# When a spouse doesn't like your Holiday



## Haunted Spider (Sep 6, 2010)

Hello friends, 

I have come to the stark realization that my spouse does not like Halloween very well. Call it postpartum depression, or apathy toward the Holiday, I don't know. What I do know is the time I spend on building props, money toward a display or party things, drives her crazy. 

I get guilt tripped for not spending enough time with her and the baby, or spending money on supplies to finish the Lego house. Whatever, it is just not enjoyable. I think a majority of it comes from her family and it just gets repeated and kind of believed by her. It basically deflates the sails and makes me have a loss of desire to even complete my set up this year. 

Party invites are already out but I haven't set up a single thing inside for it or the backyard for the zombie paintball shoot. I just lost the motivation to do such. 

Do any of you peeps have the same issue and how do you get around it or motivated to complete the display when you get negative feedback from the one you value input from the most? 

Just curious as I am having a fairly crappy week with Halloween things. 

Any suggestions on how to improve things would be helpful. 

Hope this is in the right forum.


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## Manon (Aug 2, 2011)

Hey Spider. First off, if it's post partum depression, she should definitely be seen by a physician/psychiatrist. It's no joke and there's NO REASON to just tough it out. The hormones are totally f'ed up and a happy wife and mom is a good thing. They aren't happy pills, they are calm the f'ing chemicals in the system down so I can be a normal human being pills.

On the other hand, about the rest of your question, my spouse is not nearly as into Hallowe'en as I am. I mean, he'll help out a bit, but he mostly just watches me set up and asks me, please, not to put holes in the house.

Here's how we've dealt with it and similar issues throughout the years (14 and counting). There are things he loves that I'm not that interested in. There are things I love that he's not that jazzed about, but it's all about communication and we've had to repeat this discussion throughout our marriage, but it gets easier every time. It goes like this:

I love you. I know you don't love Hallowe'en like I love Hallowe'en, but you know it's really important to me right? And it makes me happy. I love doing things with you that make you happy like x, y and z. It would be so awesome if you could play along with this because it brings me a lot of joy and it is hard to have fun when I see you not having fun. Let's take the baby to the park. Then I'd love to spend 2 hours working on props. How does that sound. 

Now, if you moan and complain every time she wants to do something with you, this tack is not going to work, but see if just talking will work things out.


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## edwood saucer (Aug 21, 2006)

Exactly what Manon said. But - one word jumped out at me - Baby. She may be overwhelmed and exhausted with said baby and sees you enjoying yourself which doesn't compute in her mind.

And that is understandable 100%.

Make sure she has alone time without the kiddo. Understand that you can't do everything you want too this year. Try for 25% of what you usually do. Life takes precedence here. Not Halloween.

But also understand that this will pass. Parenting is a huge undertaking. Dad's tend to go about their lives - but mom's can't.

Time will pass, all too quickly, and your baby will be helping you decorate each Halloween.


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## Haunted Spider (Sep 6, 2010)

Agreed with the baby issue in her mind. She feels very compelled to spend every waking moment with our Child since she has to drop him off at a sitter during the day and go to work. I originally didn't want to ever hold him unless she asked me to fearing I would take time away from her with him. That was an issue in itself as she felt I didn't want to hold my child ever and it was really the opposite.

It has become Halloween takes precedence over me and the baby and I am jealous of that. But it is also her family feeding her ideas. She and some of her family went on a shopping trip to an outlet mall this past weekend. She went with 50 dollars in blow money which she spend all of, plus she bought a few Christmas gifts, and some baby clothes, but it wasn't enough. She was berated with questions like, why can't you buy a scarf if you want it. You have a good job and how much does your husband spend on his Halloween stuff? 

What wasn't mentioned was we just spent 1400 dollars last week to fix her sunroof in her SUV because the motor and cables went bad and it couldn't close. 

What kills me is she feeds those thoughts back to me and has some disdain in her voice about them. The negative energy, looks, and words toward me are just killing my spirit to decorate and set up a good show for the neighborhood. 

I honestly just want to take a year off at this point. So tempted to send letters out to everyone who got an invite and cancel the party.


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## Copchick (Apr 10, 2012)

Wow, Haunted Spider, I don't envy your postion at all. I think Manon and Edwood Saucer said it all so well. If she does in fact have postpartem issues she needs to be seen and treated. I know some women who became another (not pleasant) person due to post baby hormones. They didn't realize they had changed. Your wife may overwelmed and may not realize it. With this weakness the family opinions could very well influence her, instead of talking to you about things.


Communication, communication, communication! Go out, just the two of you, no baby, and talk. How did she feel towards your involvement with halloween before the baby? Ask her what she's feeling about having the party. If she's against it, you may want to postpone it until next year.

If you feel that she is being influenced by her family, you need to talk. Really talk. Explain that you are the priority over her family. She chose to marry you and to begin a family with you. Make it clear to her that she needs to communicate with you as her husband, on what her thoughts are and make it clear to her that you will not tolerate her family influencing your marriage without your input. 

Unfortunately if she had issues with your involvement with Halloween prior to the baby and she's unwilling to stop letting her family influence her, I think counseling for the both of you will need to be an option. It certainly won't hurt and it's nothing to be embarrassed about to have a third party professional listen to the both of you.


Good luck!


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## Haunted Spider (Sep 6, 2010)

I don't believe she actually has Postpartum depression but certain days it feels like it. Most of the symptoms they list for the depression don't fit. But things have definitely changed a bit since the kid. 

thanks all for the advice. Keep it coming. brightening my day a bit.


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## Death's Door (Mar 22, 2006)

Hey Spider - It just sounds like it's a big adjustment for your wife to juggle the little one, work and life in general right now. It's actually a big adjustment for both of you. The negative influence of family members is not helping her either. I agree with what everyone is posting and when your spouse isn't into Halloween, you feel a little held back from decorating, working on props and having a Halloween party. It becomes a guilty pleasure and leaving you with the guilts. Everyone does need to have an outlet. 

I would definitely suggest in both of you having some downtime and talking about this - kinda like keeping in check with each other and taking it from there - because the negativity comments from the family won't stop. As said above, you are a couple and that is the priority. She might feel overwhelmed with the party this year. Who knows - talk to her and really see what the issue is.


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## Headless (Sep 4, 2011)

Having a family is a huge commitment for any couple. Even though it was many years ago I remember when my ex and I had our daughter. Days just ran into one another in the beginning and I had no family support and was feeling very alone. The ex was working long hours and it was tough. Any good relationship is based on communication, understanding and compromise. If you can get those three things happening - nothing stands in the way of everyone being happy.

I am very fortunate now to have a wonderful partner who, although he isn't "into" Halloween as much as I am - supports me in my joy of Halloween and helps me get everything ready for our big party. In turn though I fully support him with his photography.


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## heresjohnny (Feb 15, 2006)

Congratulations on your new daughter! 

A lot of good stuff has already been said. I speak only for myself. I have struggled at times with my Halloween hobby, but I think I have found a happy medium for the past couple of years. My problem was that I wanted to spend a lot of time building stuff, and that was time away from the family (especially my two boys). I would make commitments to get a haunt put together, or to finish a certain amount of props, and the resulting pressure really sapped the fun out of it. Spending countless hours in the shop would tick my wife off, and rightly so. It would also start to make me feel guilty that I was not spending enough time with the boys, and rightly so. What I finally came to realize is that I can enjoy my Halloween building and decorating, but I have to keep my family first. I only have so much time to be with my sons (one leaves for College fall 2014  ), there will be plenty of time later to devote to my Halloween building. So I build when I have the time, I stopped having such grand haunt plans, and I enjoy family and Halloween. Best of luck to you!


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## Haunted Spider (Sep 6, 2010)

Son, but Thank you for the congrats Johnny. I guess I didn't clarify in the my post which sex it was. His name is Asher. And thank you for the advice. I am trying to find that happy medium currently, while still spending time with my family and my new son.


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## alewolf (Nov 5, 2012)

Well I have rolled through about 23 years of marriage at this point and 2 children. Sounds like your spouse is feeling the pressure of being a mother. One thing I have pushed to my clients over the years about marriages. Parents have a tendency of putting baby first. Not a good idea, spouse #1 means healthy children. They grow up in stable environments and see loving supportive parents. The perfect way for them to feel secure and a good role model. However, part of healthy "adults" means spending time and bonding. 

Perhaps you can be more attentive and involved when you are not working on Halloween. It is amazing what going to bed at the same time, hand holding and some extra kissing can accomplish when it comes to destressing and supporting new mom or a wife.


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