# Venting is free, right?



## Ghoul Friday (Oct 6, 2007)

If you're not in the mood to hear complaining from a disgruntled person, or you're sick of hearing people talk about the economy and how it's affecting them, please skip this post. For anyone who continues reading, please note this disclaimer saying I realize things could easily be worse, and I need to suck it up. I know this and I'm working on it.

Noted? Good.

This is my proverbial fist shake at the sky.

I'm wound up so tight these days, I've had natural resource companies stopping by to see if they can harness my stress into renewable energy.

My scenario is no different from many of yours: partner lost his job. Work is scarce for me (just making enough to get by). The next few months are uncertain while more and more people lose their jobs. I know, I know: join the club.

What gets me is my subconscious decided to direct me into a personal crossroads during this time. Building up to Christmas, I kept having nagging thoughts and emotions, and made some discoveries of why I feel disconnected:


I don't see my friends enough
I have come to a time in my life where I need to re-evaluate who REALLY are my core friends - you know, those that would have your back in a bad situation. Not saying write people off, but to help decide where to invest the effort for reconnecting.
I don't do enough to make me happy. Besides Halloweening from August to Nov, I don't make an effort to celebrate whatever activities bring me a strong sense of joy. 
I need to improve work conditions (goals, possibly a different path, more interactions, some more money)
I need to eat more greens and get in better shape. 

Disconnected. Not plugged in. Unsure how I want to change things.

These are all the things I am tackling.

So, as I am tackling all of this, I'm stressed. And when I get stressed - even if I don't increase my eating and I do stay active- I gain weight. So you know THAT makes me even happier. It's bad when your Wii Fit asks you why you've gained 4 pounds the last week, and when you select "I don't know" from the screen, it says to you (and I kid you not - this happened this morning) "Maybe it's stress. You know stress can lead to obesity. You need to find ways to relax".

Thanks. Thanks computer game. Now where's the selection to tell you to bite me?

The straw that broke the camel's back is that as part of my plan, I decided I would work on a few Halloween-type projects since I have spare time. To do that, I need to spend about...oh...$30 on supplies. Not much, right? But when you're spending all your money on such luxuries as food and electricity, it's hard to justify dropping even the smallest amount on something as silly as craft supplies.

*sigh*

And I suppose that's the main point of this rant. I can't bring myself to spend a bit of cash on craft supplies, even though it might be the best thing for me. I'm being silly, aren't I?

Am I alone in all this? Is there anyone else sharing in the same type of neurosis?

Thanks for the vent. I needed that.


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## Scary Godmother (Oct 13, 2007)

Wow GF, although I am not is the exact same situation as you, I share many of your frustrations. Your list of discoveries as to why you feel disconnected, could be my exact list! I think if I owned that Wii, it would be out the window, except I can't afford one in the first place. I find that many (not all) of the things that make me happy involve spending money, so that does make it tough to do more things that make me happy. Trying to keep the weight down is always a big struggle for me, I started a walking and healthy eating a couple of years ago, and lost 40 lbs. Then I promptly came down with a bad case of plantar fascitis in my foot and had to go all the way through physical therapy before I could start walking again. Of course that took about 1 year or so, so I gained about 20 lbs. back from not walking, argh! I have just started again, but have to go easy until the foot is better. Anyway, I hear you, and venting is always free! One more vent for me, my ex is behind $3,000.00 in his child support, of course I can't afford the lawyer to take him to court! Keep Smiling!


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

I think venting on paper (which this kind of is) is a good thing - it gets everything out where you can see it and makes you think through the problem(s) in order to get it on paper in the first place.

I'm sure there are many, many people in the same position as you are at the moment. I'm not sure if knowing you're not alone actually makes a difference or not, but at least you know there are others who will understand your frustrations because they've lived through it, too.

Truly, I think you hit the nail on the head with the comment about not making an effort to celebrate the things that give you a strong sense of joy. You can't always control the things that happen to you in life - people get sick, jobs disappear, money gets tight, spammers send you crap email (well, sometimes you can control that one) - but you always retain the ability to _choose_ how you respond to the bad things. I believe that when life throws you curves, you really need to focus on the often little things that make you happy or at least give you a moment's respite from that "how am I going to get through the day" feeling.

It sounds to me like you have a feel for what you need to do. It's just a matter of picking a place to start. I'd begin with reconnecting with the people that mean the most to you. That requires time, but doesn't have to cost money. Celebrate the little things, even if it's just listening to a piece of music that moves you or savoring the feel of a warm cup of tea in your hands. Use your sense of humor to poke fun at yourself and the stupid crap that can irritate you. The job thing is going to be tough, as I'm sure many people can attest - you need patience and persistence and a little luck, and maybe you're correct that it's time to re-think what you want to do as far as earning money.

I know from seeing some of the things you've done that the craft thing is important to you. You also strike me as a sensible woman who understands that, when money is tight, you need to be practical. You're not being silly; you're being wise, and yes, sometimes having to be wise kinda sucks

I don't really have much else useful to say other than this - you know you have ears here willing to listen and help you laugh, and that's probably the most valuable thing the Forum has to offer.


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## Ghoul Friday (Oct 6, 2007)

Scary Godmother said:


> I think if I owned that Wii, it would be out the window, except I can't afford one in the first place...Trying to keep the weight down is always a big struggle for me...One more vent for me, my ex is behind $3,000.00 in his child support, of course I can't afford the lawyer to take him to court! Keep Smiling!


While the Wii Fit is correct in that stress can lower your basal metabolic rate, I didn't need the reminder that I could be headed for obesity if I don't chill out.

The Wii was actually a gift - one that I enjoy daily for yoga and strengthening exercises - but I don't think it and I can be friends for the rest of the day. *sniffle*. Weight is stupid. Ridiculous. And there should be a law that if you exercise and eat wisely, you should automatically lose weight. Stamps it, no take backs.

Thanks for the reply  And jeez, I hope your ex gets his act together.



RoxyBlue said:


> It sounds to me like you have a feel for what you need to do. It's just a matter of picking a place to start. I'd begin with reconnecting with the people that mean the most to you... Celebrate the little things, even if it's just listening to a piece of music that moves you or savoring the feel of a warm cup of tea in your hands...


Hi Roxy  Yeah, just identifying what the heck was eating at me was hard, and I'm glad that I figured that out at the very least. And I've actually been doing exactly what you said (even down to the tea thing! Stop spying on me).

I'm more restless too because I realized that I waste time; not in a way that I don't get things done, but in the sense that I'm not using time as meaningfully as I could be. So it's a question of 'what is meaningful' - not big, not exciting, just meaningful (even if it's trivial on the surface). That's the mantra I'm repeating as I try to sort it out.

For Christmas, when asked what I wanted from Santa, I chose things that a) I could use in the house to make me happier/help achieve my goals (for example, specific cooking items) and b) met the mandate for things I am interested in (for example, I've been signed up for a hands-on butchering workshop where you learn all sorts of trussing and butchering techniques for whole poultry - something I wouldn't sign up for myself but would be TOTALLY into).

I've also been making a point of taking advantage of the library across the road from me, and swimming in books & even a few videos. Free, simple pleasures.

I'm just impatient on it all coming together.



RoxyBlue said:


> I know from seeing some of the things you've done that the craft thing is important to you. You also strike me as a sensible woman who understands that, when money is tight, you need to be practical. You're not being silly; you're being wise, and yes, sometimes having to be wise kinda sucks


Thanks  And yes, being wise DOES suck. I am so sick of being practical. In certain aspects of my life, I'm so practical I sometimes feel guilty for THINKING about being unpractical. Bah. I think the frustration comes from being someone who thrives on being spontaneous and adventurous, but I've been in a holding pattern that demands I be level headed and conservative *shudder*.

Some more continuous ramblings as I make further realizations: NORMALLY in my life, my favourite thing is travel. It always served to screw my head back on right when things were upside down. But since we bought the house 3 years ago, I haven't gotten on a plane (it's one thing to risk not making rent; another to miss a mortgage payment!).

Why is it that when you have loads of time, you don't have money, and vice versa?

Any other thoughts? Anyone else going through the same thing?


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## Scary Godmother (Oct 13, 2007)

Ghoul Friday said:


> Weight is stupid. Ridiculous. And there should be a law that if you exercise and eat wisely, you should automatically lose weight. Stamps it, no take backs.


I second that!!


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## debbie5 (Mar 2, 2007)

I am in the same boat, but was afraid to post about it here. Hubby lost his job in September. I don't work due to a brain injury a few years ago and am waiting for any disability $$. If I told you what he makes on unemployment, you would laugh. It's not enough to pay our basic bills. We have almost no credit card debt & cars are old & paid off & we are sinking.... 

FRIENDS: Yes, also am reconnecting with friends. I pretty much coccooned myself into my shell this past Fall with the craziness of H'ween. The work is so intense, that I tell everyone that I am not their friend for Sep't -Oct. But even some "non-core" friends are becoming better friends through me reaching out & vice versa. I think **many** people are feeling the same friend/social life disconnect, but don't want to admit it. Some of my close friends & I have started "Bible study night". (We call it that, as one friend is in the middle of an ugly divorce, & her hubby thinks we women shouldn't hang out together, unless we have some higher purpose...other than wings & whiskey...so we call it Bible Study Night to shut him up). Every Friday night we try to get together, just to hang out & chat/bitch around somebody's kitchen table. It is wonderful...just to get out, gab, fix food together....Everyone is welcome to bring a friend, whether the group knows them or not, to join in, for one night or whatever. Our Bible Study nights really have taken on a life of theri own & become a sanity keeper...we send emails back & forth to plan where we're gonna be, who's bringing what. It's fun. It's like looking forward to a date. It's hard making & keeping friends as an adult. Our parents & grandparents all used to go to bowling leagues, have potluck family reunions, play cards each week- who has time or energy for that anymore? It's sad those times have passed, though...all the pictures I see in family albums of people just CRAMMED into a kitchen to eat looked like everyone was having a blast. 

LIFE: I found that unless I put myself first, and take care of myself, I cannot help anyone. This sounds counterintuitive and very selfish, but it's true. Unless you are well rested, healthily fed, and mentally sound, you really cannot present your true self to the world. I struggle with this daily. 
While it's easier to wonder at 4pm "What are we gonna have for dinner?" it's stressful, and a huge time waster. I balk at making menus & planning meals, but when I do, life just runs so much smoother. There's less food waste and running out last minute...all the nutsy stuff that erodes into having a good, fun life. 

BUYING CRAP: I will get up early to go buy 1/2 price meat on Monday morning, and fight the crowd of people who RUN for the meat, just so I can justify buying craft materials for my kids. However, I will only buy stuff that I absolutley cannot make or scavenge on my own (i.e. paper doilies to make Valentines). I mean, you cannot have NO ART or craft in life. But there are ways to be very very frugal and still be happy & artsy. Stolloween/Scot is my hero in that department & has inspired me to work cheaply! 

DEALING WITH EVERYTHING AT ONCE: And to a certain degree, I just numb out. Or maybe it's just having faith that "Tomorrow will be another day" or whatever the quote is. I juggle bills, hang up on bill collectors and try not to be sad as I watch my AA+credit/FICO score go in the sh*ttter. It's been generations since anyone in my family has been this poor. I don't know anyone who is poor so I have no one to "teach me". Going for aid is depressing and nauseating as well as horrifically confusing. I have been researching online how to be poor- what to cook cheaply, what people did in the Depression to get by, etc. I have no control over the money inbox, so I can't sit here & freak out. We have sold stuff, taken out all the money in our retirement account...no one would ever think we are as poor as we are. We are the Secret Poor Next Door. I used to lay awake at night, worrying & freaking out, until I realized all it was doing was making me physically sick & nuts. I truly believe this is 1928 all over again. Watch. But there isn't damn thing I can do about it, but to try & keep my family fed, educated & happy. 
WEIGHT: Yep, I'm fat. But I found that if I exercise hard during the day, I am more mentally present during the day,and less likely to eat a bunch of crap at night. In speaking with friends, we found we were all trying to cut back on food during the day, which left us really hungry at night...which led to binge eating at night. Buying whole grains and fresh produce is really expensive. I try to stick with the produce specials (lots of broccoli,bananas & clementines) and freeze all the sale priced, whole grain English muffins I can, as I can make them into pizzas, bread crumbs, croutons/stuffing or keep them as a breakfast food. For me, I don't care so much about my weight (looks) per se, I care that I feel trapped in a body that I don't fit into. I have made my body my own jail. I think weights will skyrocket as the economy gets even worse. It's cheaper to eat crap food than good food. All comfort food is loaded with fat & starch. It's the blobbing of America.
WII:That is freaky that the WII gives you un-helpful hints. What idiot programmed it to say that!!?? Like anyone wants to hear that nonsense? Get 3 people to step on it with you next time when you weigh in, and see what it says about the overnight 300 pound increase....

For 2009, all I have is hope, 'cause I sure don't have any money.


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## debbie5 (Mar 2, 2007)

One more thing:
TRAVEL: I cannot do it anymore. But it is loooooovely to pack a lunch, and go somewhere nearby that is amazing. I drove to a large frozen lake a sunset, and went to a very high peak at noon, both of which were breathtakingly beautiful. A friend lives out in the country, and I laid across my car's hood while looking straight up at the bajillion stars I could see out in the pitch darkness (there is no darkness in the city where I live). It was freezing cold and I didn't stay long, but the sound of the cold winter wind in the trees, and the velvety black sky was what my soul needed. I need to go *alone* to places like this, when I need to recharge my batteries. 
Make a plan. And then don't beat yourself up if you don't follow the plan exactly. I need to see my queer "LIVE THE LIFE YOU WERE MEANT TO LIVE" note everyday to remind me to just do what I can do *today* towards getting my sh*t together.

Seems that life is just one continuous process of trying to get your sh*t together. Even if your sh*t IS together, you can always shoot for a sh*t upgrade....so it never ends.


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## Ghoul Friday (Oct 6, 2007)

Debbie: While reading your post, I was nodding my head. First, let me say I hope posting about your story helped you out in some way.



debbie5 said:


> I think **many** people are feeling the same friend/social life disconnect, but don't want to admit it.


Part of my new plan is to TALK to people about my new plan. I felt awkward bringing up the disconnect from friends _to_ friends and acquaintances, but the thing is, the handful of times I've done it so far, the response is always a huge "Me too!". So yes, I agree that MANY people are going through the same thing.

I love your idea of the once a week get together. A lot of my friends live just outside of the city I'm in, so I've started proposing monthly meetings and trying to stick to this plan, regardless of how wrapped up we get in our own lives.

It all comes down to effort. I'm learning that some people will make the effort with a little nudge. Others...well...if they aren't willing to make the same effort, I've realized it's time to evaluate if they are _worth_ the effort.



debbie5 said:


> It's hard making & keeping friends as an adult. Our parents & grandparents all used to go to bowling leagues, have potluck family reunions, play cards each week- who has time or energy for that anymore? It's sad those times have passed, though...all the pictures I see in family albums of people just CRAMMED into a kitchen to eat looked like everyone was having a blast.


Exactly.



debbie5 said:


> I don't know anyone who is poor so I have no one to "teach me".


THIS is a resonating statement. When I was really little, we were poor - as in 'we can't afford milk this week'. But my mom was always so crafty and resourceful for making games and projects with us out of nothing, I barely noticed (I think this is where I get my recycled goods approach to prop making). But when I was a bit older, and certainly as a teenager, there always seemed to be money for 'things'. I didn't learn until I was a young adult, ready to go to University that most of those 'things' were bought on credit, and we didn't actually have money at all - certainly not for me to go to university.

Long story short, that's when I started to learn the truth about money and debt. And I had to learn the hard way. It wasn't until I had gotten out of school and into the workforce - perhaps closer to the age of 30 really, and neck deep in debt - that I REALLY started to understand money - not having it, managing debt, and trying to still live an active life. For some reason (pride perhaps), many parents don't teach their kids about money - what to do when you have it, and what to do when you don't. Perhaps it's also because THEY didn't know either, and just wanted to keep their kids obliviously happy.

It sounds like you are going through one hell of a tough learning curve, at a level I have yet to reach but watch uneasily as it threatens from the horizon, but you're getting through it and figuring it out, regardless of how 'out of control' it may seem. Without scaring your kids with truth, the best free gift you can give them as they get older is money skills, and everything you've learnt from this awful experience.



debbie5 said:


> Buying whole grains and fresh produce is really expensive.


Yes - it is expensive. And no - it doesn't have to be. In my opinion, what's happened is North Americans have forgotten or never learnt how to make simple ingredients stretch into tasty dishes. Mainly because it is a whole different way of thinking (and tasting, and living), and can sometimes take more effort - planning, preparation and cooking - to make them. Speaking as someone with a European background, most of the tastiest dishes were considered peasant dishes - dishes that cost next to nothing to make because no one had money. All made from scratch, and all made with fresh produce. They were forced by circumstance into honing their cooking techniques, and when they did, they created delicious, healthy, satisfying meals.

Since November, there has been little to no processed food in my house. But even I, who've been a fairly serious cook for many years, have spent the last month looking to new recipes and new ways of preparing food that a) stretches the produce I buy b) tastes good and c) is healthy.

Jamie Oliver was on an interview yesterday, and he made the comment - like yours - that he was afraid Westerners are resorting to seemingly cheaper fast foods as the economy plunges even though it is usually cheaper to make the food yourself. My favourite quote from the interview is "The knowledge to cook is the most important luxury in the world at the moment..." Actually, here's the video if you're interested. He starts talking about this point at 5:55 sec in.

(If that url doesn't work, properly, try this one and scroll down to where you see his picture).



debbie5 said:


> Seems that life is just one continuous process of trying to get your sh*t together. Even if your sh*t IS together, you can always shoot for a sh*t upgrade....so it never ends.


 That is a fantastic statement.


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## DeathTouch (Sep 6, 2005)

I think what you need is a Damn it doll. Maybe you have seen one or not, but I think it would come in handy for you. Every time something bad happends just beat the cra*p out of it. That should help.


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## Hauntiholik (May 17, 2006)

hehehe I think DT just volunteered as THE doll!!! LMAO! I'm just kidding. Love ya DT!


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## DeathTouch (Sep 6, 2005)

Hauntiholik said:


> hehehe I think DT just volunteered as THE doll!!! LMAO! I'm just kidding. Love ya DT!


Shaken not stired? LOL Love ya back.:googly:


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## Ghoul Friday (Oct 6, 2007)

*chuckles* I think that (the doll, not attacking DT) would be therapeutic. 

It was one of those days when you reached the point where you want to say to the sky "commmmme onnnnnnnn!". I've been moving forward, getting on with the plan, being proactive, so it's better...I mean, nothing is FIXED but I'm making the effort


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)




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## Ghoul Friday (Oct 6, 2007)

LOL

Man. I need to print that out.


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## debbie5 (Mar 2, 2007)

Every time I see those demon vampire bunnies, I LMAO.. I love them! maybe they should be Haunt Forum's official mascots??


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

LOL, ladies, I'm probably so going to Hell for turning those cute little bunnies into evil beasts

Then again, if they make people laugh, that's a good thing and maybe I'll just get sent to Purgatory instead.


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## debbie5 (Mar 2, 2007)

Roxy, where is the before pic again?? My 11 & 4 year olds love the picture of the vambunnies...


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

Here you go, Miss D:

http://www.hauntforum.com/showthread.php?t=14479&page=18

pyro posted the original shot - page 18 of the Haunt Forum Christmas Pictures thread in the Off Topic category (which is where that link should take you) has the before and after shots together.


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