# What watching horror movies has taught me



## Papa Bones

1. Never get naked in the woods, someone will hack you into a million pieces.

2. Cute aliens are here to eat your face, not to cuddle.

3. Don't pick up the hitchhiker, there are reasons he can't get his own driver's license.

4. If you hear a strange noise, don't go investigate. Run the other way as fast as you can.

5. If you must investigate the strange noise, don't bother with a flashlight, it will go out.

6. If you are startled by a cat while investigating the strange noise, you're about to die, the masked maniac is behind you. 

7. DO NOT take the backroad, every backroad in America leads to deformed 
psycho cannibal hillbillys.

8. Once you've got the door barricaded, find another way out of the room FAST, the monster is in there with you.

9. The creepy guy who by all rights should be a serial killer really isn't, in fact he's probably dead by now. 

10. Never steal gold from a leprechaun, he will travel all the way to space to kill you with a pogo stick. 

11. If your good friend or lover is being brutally killed in front of you, do something, don't just sit there screaming and wait for the killer to finish the first victim and turn to you. 

12. If you find a creepy looking book written in an obscure ancient language, don't read it aloud. 

13. Seeing a clown anywhere other than a circus is a bad, bad thing.

14. If you get a strange, ominous call from a friend's cell phone, that friend is dead. 

15. Don't run backwards when trying to get away from a monster/psycho/zombie.


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## RoxyBlue

16. If you're in a cabin and hear a strange noise outside, don't open the door, walk out, and say "I know you're out there!". If it's out there, you don't want to be out there with it.


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## Spooky1

17. If you are running for your life from a monster, don't fall down and just look back and scream. Get back up! Crawl, scramble, roll, just keep moving you idiot!


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## joker

18. Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.


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## RoxyBlue

19. Don't look over your shoulder when running from a monster/serial killer/demented alien. Doing so will guarantee you run into a tree or fall down, in which case refer to #17 above for appropriate actions to take.


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## Papa Bones

19. Don't "think he's dead", pick up the axe/machete/whatever that will be lying next to him and make damn sure of it! at the very least chop off his hands and feet, he will still get up but have a hard time chasing you. 

20. If, upon you entering a room/bar/diner, all conversation comes to a dead stop and everyone gives you a blank stare, leave, don't stand there staring back at them. They're not looking at you like that because they love you, they are aliens or vampires or something else that wants to have you for dinner. 

21. Listen to your house. If it tells you to get out, get out.. it won't change its mind about wanting you there, or ask nicely more than once. 

22. If you call the cops on Halloween, they will think you are a prankster and not believe anything you have to say


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## RoxyBlue

23. If you wake up next to your sleeping husband to answer the phone and it's your husband calling, do not reach over and pull the sheet back to see who's in bed with you - just GET OUT!!!!


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## The Bloodshed Brothers

24. Just shoot the zombie in the head.


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## Spooky1

25. Never pull the stake out of the heart of a dead vampire.


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## RoxyBlue

26. Never invite a vampire into your house, either.


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## Papa Bones

27. fire might or might not kill vampires


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## BuriedAlive

28. If a psycho is chasing you and you are running to your car to make a fast get away, don't bother, because it's not going to start.

29. If you have a pet dog, it will either die heroically while saving you from the killer or it will go missing at some point and be killed (usually in a mutilated fashion).

30. If you go searching for your missing dog, you will most likely share its fate.


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## Spooky1

31. If there is a killer shark (or mutant shark or bioengineered super shark) around, stay out of the damn water you fool.


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## Devils Chariot

If a giant version of some kind of vermin creature attacks you, dont just smash it's hand with a rock or stick a bone in its throat, just stab or shoot that f**cker in the eye! Then Run!


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## Draik41895

33. If a psycho is unconscious and the psycho's psycho assistant is forcing you to perform brain surgery on the one thats unconscious,causing you to hold a large drill to their head,its best to just kill them NO MATTER WHAT


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## Spooky1

34. Have your car keys in your hand before you run to your car. If you have to dig them out of your pocket or search for them once you get to your car, you're toast.


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## MooreEnt24

35. If you start dating that cute, quiet girl at summer camp - she'll probably end up being a dude....and a killer.


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## Draik41895

36.dont sell your soul......to any one


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## RoxyBlue

37. If furniture starts rearranging itself in your house and you hear voices from your TV other than that from regularly scheduled programming, your house is probably sitting on top of sacred burial ground.


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## Spooky1

38. If you're in space and an alien creature attaches itself to a crewmember, just dump them out an airlock. You can't save them and if you don't, either the creature will grow rapidly and eat you all or it's offspring will.


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## RoxyBlue

39. Don't wear aftershave given to you by that mad scientist down the street. It's probably contains a giant mutant killer bat pheromone.


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## Papa Bones

40. Zombie babies don't drink milk, do not attempt to breast feed!


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## DeadDudeintheHouse

41. All horror movies from the 1970's and 1980's, no matter how bad they are, have a kind of charm about them. In the face of today's horror, which wants to erase everything that worked about horror in the past, the worst horror from the 70's and 80's is now more fun than 99% of new horror films.


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## spideranne

42. Take off the high heels already, seriously you can't run in those.


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## Spooky1

43. Don't put Abby Normal's brain in your monster.


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## RoxyBlue

44. Don't let your kids play with Frankenstein by a river.


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## Papa Bones

45. Should you become a zombie, there is a bright side... kinda. As a rotting, decaying corpse, you will be able to perform feats of strength far beyond a healthy, living human being.. such as tearing living people apart with your bare hands.


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## RoxyBlue

46. You're always gonna need a bigger boat.


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## Spooky1

47. When Martians invade, just go hide until the indigenous bacteria and viruses kill them all.


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## RoxyBlue

48. If the title of the alien book translates as "To Serve Man", make sure you translate the rest 'cause you don't want to find out after you've gotten on their ship that it's a cookbook.

(actually a Twilight Zone episode but still horrifying)


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## Papa Bones

49. If you are a supernatural killer who has returned from the dead so many times your next movie is set in either A. Space or B. "Tha Hood", do your fans a favor and just stay dead


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## RoxyBlue

50. If you're a real prick and take the lifejacket off another passenger, smirking as you jump into the water, you will immediately be swallowed whole by a megalodon shark.


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## Papa Bones

51. Abandoned farmhouses are structures where horror movie characters go to die. If you find yourself in a horror movie, stay out of the abandoned farmhouse, and don't bother trying to "fortify" it by nailing scrap lumber over all the windows in an attempt to keep the zombies or giant rabbits or whatever out. You're gonna die anyway, and by refusing to go into the abandoned farmhouse you save yourself a lot of time spent hammering boards.


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## Sickie Ickie

52 Running away from monsters makes people incredibly horny.

hmmmmmmmmm how can I get my wife to run away from a monster?.......


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## RoxyBlue

Sickie Ickie said:


> 52 Running away from monsters makes people incredibly horny.
> 
> hmmmmmmmmm how can I get my wife to run away from a monster?.......


Tell her you're going to chase her?:googly:


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## Spooky1

Sickie Ickie said:


> 52 Running away from monsters makes people incredibly horny.
> 
> hmmmmmmmmm how can I get my wife to run away from a monster?.......


Apparently you caught her, since she just had twins.


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## Spooky1

53. Never, ever, read aloud from an ancient book bound in human flesh and written in human blood. It's just a bad idea.


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## Brad Green

54. While 'hiding' upstairs, you hear demented killer slowly lumbering up said stairs to do you in, DO NOT hide under bed sniveling. Instead, find handy container, go to bathroom, turn on 'Hot' faucet, wait for it to get REALLY hot (no hurry, he's moving slowly for effect), fill container, give killer a sauna facial, brain said psycho with container, run away!....by the way, doesn't anybody own a 12 gauge in these movies???


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## Spooky1

55. Don't try to foreclose on the home of an old gypsy/witch woman.


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## Shadojack

56. Do not split up. I repeat do not split up.

57. If you find Joe's head in a toilet, and Chris hanging in the shower, do not try to find the others, their already in similar states of distress.

58. The rolly polly, wallflower, nerd, geek, ugly girl and the like are always gonna die. Accept this fact and move on.

59. The assh*le guy and b*tch girl will also die. So if your a person mentioned above, enjoy that fact while you can.

60. Regardless of how fast you run, and how slow the killer lumbers along, he/she/it will always manage to catch you.

61. Please for the love of all learn how to use a fricking shotgun!!


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## RoxyBlue

62. The little midget zombies may look cute, but they're just as nasty as the full-sized ones.


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## Spooky1

63. When the killer the is chasing you is carrying a large pointy weapon, don't lean against a door after you close it.


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## Dr Morbius

64. If your girlfriend convinces you to ask the homeliest wallflower to the prom, DON'T! 
Your girlfriend isn't being "cool" to let you date other women, and the homely girl, although not able to read your mind, does have a phenomenal psychokinesis ability and will rip your head off just by thinking about it. IF you do ask her to the prom, for God's sake, do NOT stand next to her on stage should the two of you become Prom king and queen...In fact, get out of the gym altogether before the whole place catches on fire.


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## Spooky1

65. If your hand becomes possessed and goes bad, you have to cut it off with a chainsaw.


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