# Basic tools w/definitions



## joker (Sep 25, 2007)

(saw this on another forum and had to post it here)

*DRILL PRESS*: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

*WIRE WHEEL*: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, 'Oh sh -- '

*ELECTRIC HAND DRILL*: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

*SKILL SAW*: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

*PLIERS*: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

*BELT SANDER*: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

*HACKSAW*: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

*VISE-GRIPS*: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

*OXYACETYLENE TORCH*: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.

*TABLE SAW*: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK*: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

*BAND SAW*: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.

*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST*: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER*: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER*: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

*PRY BAR*: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

*HOSE CUTTER*: A tool used to make hoses too short.

*HAMMER*: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

*UTILITY KNIFE*: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

*DAMM-IT TOOL*: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.


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## Hauntiholik (May 17, 2006)

Very funny joker!


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

I used to punch holes in oil cans with a Phillips screwdriver, too!


A hammer is also a divining rod for thumbs.


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## Hauntiholik (May 17, 2006)

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at <insert auto manufacture name here>, and neatly rounds off their heads.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing latex masks or delicate items.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

PUTTY KNIFE: The poor man's version of a gasket scraper, also used for dog doo removal operations and as a substitute for a screwdriver in a pinch.


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## DoomBuddy (Mar 1, 2009)

I have most of those tools especially the DAMM-IT TOOL


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## sharpobject (May 7, 2008)

Just too true to be funny.....


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## slightlymad (May 25, 2006)

4" cutter also known as a grinder: Usually used to cut the heads off bolts more commonly used to set ones self and any nearby flammable object on fire.


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## Don Givens (Dec 2, 2008)

Great post Joker and great additions everbody. Here are a few more to add to our growing list


WD 40 - a lubricant applied to a rusted bolt making it much easier for your wrench to slip off the bolt. 

Hide a Key - Enables you to place an extra key on your car or around your house so a thief can find it and break-in without damaging your locks, doors, or windows. 

Property Pin Locator - a device invented by a NY Lawyer which is used to start fights with your neighbors.

Beer - A lubricant that enables a person to tackle complicated, dangerous jobs best left to a professional. 

Friends - used in conjunction with beer to perform larger complicated, dangerous tasks best left to a professional.

Spouse - a quality control devise that automatically reviews your project through out all bugeting, planning, and production stages and points out all of your mistakes.


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## Revenant (Mar 17, 2007)

POP RIVETER: A device used to create blood blisters and bite sections of skin off the palm of your hand.

YARDSTICK: A long stick used to stir paint when you've lost your paint stirrer. Can also be used to measure objects longer than the height of a paint can or shorter than 3 feet minus the height of a paint can.

RECIPROCATING SAW (or Sawzall): A machine used to fold and crease small saw blades by punching them straight into a surface.

WRENCH: Used to store and release kinetic energy for the purpose of breaking knuckles against engine blocks.

HOOK LIGHT: A lamp designed to automatically turn toward and illuminate surfaces far away from the object being worked on.


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## slightlymad (May 25, 2006)

Child-A device to obtain the tool you forgot and frequently brings the wrong one forcing one to just get it ones self. Also used to obtain cold beer.


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