# The Hauntforum Joke Thread



## skullboy

Didn't you start a joke list somewhere the other day?Am I missing it? You wanted jokes put there instead of here.Thanks,Skull:xbones:


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## Sinister

I messed up when I was merging the threads, so I dropped it to come back later and fix it. I'll tell you what. We'll just start that here; what do you think? I simply changed the title. Just PM with any concerns you might have in the future. You know I'll be around.  

From now on all jokes are to be placed within this thread. Eventually, I may move this to the Fun and Games forum, but for now until everyone knows where it is, I will leave the thread here. Have fun, my fiends! :devil:


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## heresjohnny

I have finally learned why guys appear to loss there hair as they get older. At some point, a guy's hair stops growing out and it starts growing in. It snakes through the brain and exits the ears and nose. So whenever you ask a guy like me with ingrown hair a question and I can't remember, you will always notice me pulling on an ear or rubbing my nose as I unconsciously try to rattle the memory loss by pulling on the appropriate hair. :zombie:


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## slightlymad

Aaww


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## skullboy

Sinister said:


> I messed up when I was merging the threads, so I dropped it to come back later and fix it. I'll tell you what. We'll just start that here; what do you think? I simply changed the title. Just PM with any concerns you might have in the future. You know I'll be around.
> 
> From now on all jokes are to be placed within this thread. Eventually, I may move this to the Fun and Games forum, but for now until everyone knows where it is, I will leave the thread here. Have fun, my fiends! :devil:


Thanks,I thought maybe my mind was going.


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## skullboy

*Halloween game,spooky.*

Hard at first,on the second try your eyes adjust and its a little easier.
http://dodgetruckworld.tenmagazines.../www.worldschoolphotographs.com/halloween.htm


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## skullboy

Santa joke

http://www.bogglesome.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=872&Itemid=42


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## skullboy

*Mel Gibson fun.*

Drink and drive as Mel/.

http://dodgetruckworld.tenmagazines.com/visit.asp?http://www.compfused.com/directlink/3970/


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## skullboy

*A young JT hatebreed dude.*

HERES JOHNNY>YES ITS HATEBREED.
404 Page Not Found

Rock on BRO.


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## Johnny Thunder

skullboy said:


> HERES JOHNNY>YES ITS HATEBREED.
> http://www.break.com/movies/baby_rocks_out.html
> 
> Rock on BRO.


HAHAHAAH holy crap. I think this my future son


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## Nefarious1

:googly: :finger: LOL


DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!! 

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to 
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under 
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." 

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he 
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just 
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman 
go about his work. 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant 
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain 
himself any longer and yelled, 

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" 

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" 

See. Men just don't listen!


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## slightlymad

I love that I have a customer who's dog will not let anyone leave the house


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## skullboy

*Good,bad*

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several **** movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas


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## skullboy

*Could this be you or your brother?*

Sick and wrong. 

http://www.accolo.com/Accolo-Rethink-Recruiting.wmv


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## skullboy

*9 coronas*

http://www.flashvaults.com/coronas.html


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## skullboy

*drink tooo much?*

http://www.flashvaults.com/alcoholwarnings.html


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## skullboy

*speedy gonzales,now*

http://www.flashvaults.com/speedy_gonzales_goes_bad.html


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## skullboy

*ways to die*

http://www.flashvaults.com/waystokillastickman.html


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## DeathTouch

Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: to get to the other side.

Why did the man cross the road? Answer: Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken.


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## slightlymad

*Its Dark in here*

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 
>9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom 
>closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in 
>the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
>
>The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>The man says, "Yes, it is."
>Boy - "I have a baseball."
>Man - "That's nice."
>Boy - "Want to buy it?"
>Man - "No, thanks."
>Boy - "My dad's outside.."
>Man - "OK, how much?"
>Boy - "$250"
>
>In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
>closet together.
>
>
>Boy - "Dark in here"
>Man - "Yes, it is."
>Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
>The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>Boy - "$750"
>Man - "Sold."
>
>
>A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
>outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
>baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>Boy -"$1,000."
>
>The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
>that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
>church and make you confess."
>
>They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
>confession booth and he closes the door.
>
>The boy says, "Dark in here."
>The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now"
>__________________________


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## skullboy

Keith walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "Babe this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache, Ing his wife lying in bed says " I think you'll find thats a sheep you idiot" Keith says "I think you'll find I wasnt talking to you Babe "


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## skullboy

*12 s.t.i'.s of xmas*

http://www.flashvaults.com/12-STIs.html 
Funny crap,keep the small ones away.


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## Spookkid

Heres a joke,
Two guys are hunting and one of them acidentily shoots himself. The other guy calls 911 and the other hunter tell the operator the story. So the operator says "Ok, first thing you have to do is make shure he's dead." The operator hears a gunshot and the hunter says "Now what?"


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## skullboy

*Naked santa w/ name on his ass.*

Put your name on santas ass.I tried to get JT on it but could not transfer it. 
http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t041/xmas_santa.swf


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## skullboy

*Pull my finger.*

http://www.flashvaults.com/fartfinger.html
Yep another waste of time.


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## Ms. Wicked

*Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific*

Every day, a male coworker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies,

"It's Keith, the midget."


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## skullboy

Ms. Wicked said:


> *Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific*
> 
> Every day, a male coworker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
> 
> After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
> 
> The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
> 
> The woman replies,
> 
> "It's Keith, the midget."


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## DeathTouch

Ms. Wicked said:


> *Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific*
> 
> Every day, a male coworker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
> 
> After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
> 
> The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
> 
> The woman replies,
> 
> "It's Keith, the midget."


At least the midget didn't sing, "I'm gonna wash that gray right out of your hair."


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## Frighteners Entertainment

DeathTouch said:


> At least the midget didn't sing, "I'm gonna wash that gray right out of your hair."


Well Mark, that was no surprise coming from you! LOL


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## claymud

[nomedia]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3d4ZV0yCCY[/nomedia]

I'm sorry, the Kids in the Hall just rock.


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## DeathTouch

Frighteners Entertainment said:


> Well Mark, that was no surprise coming from you! LOL


Oh, sure. Now we are on first name bases.


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## skullboy

*not sure what to say*


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## skullboy

*more bad jokes*

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the 
Man of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a 
finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I 
am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet 
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a 
scrumptious dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and 
we will have the kind of sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash 
my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will 
massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to 
dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f--king funeral director would be my guess." 
 

A cowboy who moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders 
three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of 
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and 
orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat 
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, 
the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we 
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank 
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for 
myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. 
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice 
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the 
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to 
offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes 
and he laughs.

"Oh no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and 
I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


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## skullboy

*And more*

A senior citizens' group charters a bus 
from Philadelphia to Atlantic City, NJ.

As they entered New Jersy, an elderly woman comes up 
to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. 
So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, 
and claims that she was just molested. The driver 
thought he just had a bus load of old wackos. Who 
would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up 
and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and 
pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights 
on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and 
knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every 
time I try to grab it....it runs away!!"
 :googly: 
Sven and Olaf worked together in a factory and both were laid off. So...dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder.

Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic on to ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double 
his benefits.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled, and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?", yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says, "Yah, ------------- DIESEL FITTER."


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## Ms. Wicked

I like the cowboy one!!!!!!!


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## skullboy

*more trunk monkeys*

http://www.annierae.com/commercials/


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## skullboy

*2 old people jokes*

An older coulple were getting ready for bed, the wife undressed as her husband sat in his recliner. the wife walked in front of a full size mirror fully naked and said to her husband, Oh look at me honey, My butt is fat, my boobs are sagging, my belly is hanging, please say something nice to make me feel better. The husband sat back and thought for a minute, and said, Well honey there's not a damn thing wrong with your eyes.

  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will this be us someday?

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my cup of coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time - my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forgot where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." winced an old man as he slowly shook his head and all agreed.

"Well, count your blessings," said Betty cheerfully, "thank God we can all still drive."


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## Hella

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. 

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." 

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him. 

Well, he died. 

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. 

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" 

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. 

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. 

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." 

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." 

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" 

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."


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## slightlymad

>Man and Woman...... A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a >snowy,cold>Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but>amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After >they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a
man. That's >interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our>cars,there's nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must>be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live>together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replies, >"Oh yes, I agree with you completely;>this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at >this,here's another miracle.>My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.>Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." >Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, >opens it,drinks half the bottle,>and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and>immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.>The man asks, "Aren't you having any?">The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait.....................>for the police...." MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever and evil.>Don't mess with them.>


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## slightlymad

Retired Couple vs WalMart Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are >retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that Mr.>Fenton go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the>shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves>to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store. Dear Mrs. Fenton, >Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a>commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may>ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents>on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr.>Fenton are listed below. Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse >was shopping in>Walmart: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them>in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm > clocks in Housewares to go off>at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the >floor leading>to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an>official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and watched what>happened. 5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of>M&M's on layaway. 6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a >carpeted>area. 7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told>other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from>the bedding department. 8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help >him, he>begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. >Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a>mirror, and picked his nose. 10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the >hunting department,>asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants. 11. Dec 3: >Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming>the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. Dec 6: In the auto department, >practiced his "Madonna">look using different sized funnels. 13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack >and when people browsed>through yelled, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. Dec 21: When an announcement >came over the loud speaker, he>assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices>again!!!!" And last, but not least ... 15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting >room, shut the door, waited>awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in>here!">


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## skullboy

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. 

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? 

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."


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## skullboy

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.


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## skullboy

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive


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## Sickie Ickie

Beer makes you smarter...it made Budweiser.


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## Death's Door

Boy, am I glad I don't feel like working today so I can read all these great jokes. :googly:


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## Sickie Ickie

Two guys walk into a bar...the third one ducks!


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## Sickie Ickie

An airhead walks into a toy factory looking for a job. After the interview with the boss, he decides to hire her on a trial basis working on the stuffed animal line.

No less than 45 minutes later the supervisor walks into the boss' office with the airhead complaining that she isn't doing her job. The boss, confused, asks what the problem is.

The angry supervisor explains that he caught her placing two turquoise colored marbles onto a piece of fabric, folding the fabric over and sewing it onto the dolls. This happened time and time again.

After a momants realization, the boss started giggling, then laughing. After a minute or two he caught his breath, wiped his eyes and holding his side he turned to the angry supervisor and embarressed airhead and explained she must have heard him wrong- His instructions were to give Elmo _Two Test Tickles!_


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## pyro

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings 
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. 

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's 
office. 

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The pr esident was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. 

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" 

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." 

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. 

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" 

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." 

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. 

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. 

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square. 

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. 

The president was happy to oblige. 

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." 

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"


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## grapegrl

I saw this on another site and thought the guys might appreciate it. I'm sure they'll be "looking out" for these scam artists the next time they go buy prop supplies at HD!  

*Attention: Home Depot Scam*

_A "heads up" for those of you who may shop at Home Depot or other such
stores.

Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them
and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to
another Home Depot store or local shopping center. You agree and they get in the
car. On the way, they start undressing. Then the one in the front seat
starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th, 20th,&
24th. Also, December 3rd, 12th and once last week.

So tell your friends to be careful._


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## Johnny Thunder

grapegrl said:


> I saw this on another site and thought the guys might appreciate it. I'm sure they'll be "looking out" for these scam artists the next time they go buy prop supplies at HD!
> 
> *Attention: Home Depot Scam*
> 
> _A "heads up" for those of you who may shop at Home Depot or other such
> stores.
> 
> Over the last month, I became a victim of a clever scam while out
> shopping.Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
> friends.
> 
> Here's how the scam works:
> 
> Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car
> as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping
> your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
> of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them
> and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to
> another Home Depot store or local shopping center. You agree and they get in the
> car. On the way, they start undressing. Then the one in the front seat
> starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
> 
> I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th, 20th,&
> 24th. Also, December 3rd, 12th and once last week.
> 
> So tell your friends to be careful._


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## Sickie Ickie

Why can't zombies screw in lightbulbs?

NEEEED BRAAAAAAAINS!!!


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## skullboy

How many ******** does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they dont have electricity.


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## skullboy

*tickle me elmo*

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/Tickle_Me_Elmo_On_Fire/?m=new&tf=all


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## skullboy

*happy video*

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/song_dance/Hey_Fat_Pig/?m=new


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## skullboy

*jason videos*

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Jason_Does_The_Internet/

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Jason_Voorhees_Gets_A_Job/


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## skullboy

*python mixed with star wars*

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Monty_Python_Vs_Star_Wars/


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## Johnny Thunder

I liked the Jason vids


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## skullboy

I liked burning elmo.


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## Sickie Ickie

I liked icecream with magic shell


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## skullboy

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. 

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. 

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." 

The proctologist fainted.


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## dynoflyer

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven,
God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a
faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity,
Peyton," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up
here." Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner.
It was a 3-story mansion with a Silver and blue sidewalk, a 50-foot tall
flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window, a New
England Patriots towel. Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not
trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I
hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Peyton?" 
"Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?" 
God chuckled, and said: "Peyton, that's not Tom's house, it's mine."


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## HalloweenRick

A man walked into a very high-tech bar As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" 

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please." 

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" 

The man answered "Oh, about 164." 

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.. 

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please." 

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" 

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend. 

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martin and the question, "What is your IQ?" 

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50". 

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, 

"A-r-e... 

y-o-u-r... 

p-e-o-p-l-e... 

g-o-i-n-g... 

t-o... 

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e... 

H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????


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## Lilly

CAN YOU READ THIS?
Don't even think about using spell check!!!!!!!! 

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. 


i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be 
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. 
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. 
Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


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## Lilly

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again
satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the siliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."


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## Frighteners Entertainment

*Joke of the Day*

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had 
been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just 
exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these 
windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.......... He hasn't called back, 
probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.


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## Lagrousome

*smiling* 
Nice one!


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## heresjohnny

uh, can we respond with jokes, or is it one joke a day


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## skeletonowl

I love blonde jokes haha


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## Death's Door

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel.

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her Manager, "go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed.

These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference."

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business.

As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, "you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!"

"dead?" Says His Friend, "why Do You Say That?

"well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I W As Loving Her."

His Friend Says, "could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch."

" A Witch, Why The Heck Would You Say That?"

"well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window."


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## heresjohnny

A blond boards a plane bound for Chicago with a ticket in coach, but decides she will sit in first class instead. The pilot overhears the stewardess' failed attempts to get her out of first class and go to her ticketed seat in coach. He finally stands up, announcing "I am married to a blond, let me take of this." He briefly speaks to the bond, who immediately jumps up and goes to her seat in coach. The stewardess cannot believe it and ask him what he said, to which he replies "Simple, I told her only the back half of the plane where her seat was, was going to Chicago."


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## Fangs

LMAO Da Weiner and HJ!!!!!!


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## Fangs

Lilly said:


> CAN YOU READ THIS?
> Don't even think about using spell check!!!!!!!!
> 
> fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
> 
> i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
> The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
> it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
> in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
> Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
> Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, since I can read that, does that make me one of the "special" 55 out of 100? :googly:


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## heresjohnny

Lilly said:


> CAN YOU READ THIS?
> Don't even think about using spell check!!!!!!!!
> 
> fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
> 
> i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
> The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
> it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be
> in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
> Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
> Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


Oh crap, I could read it also!!


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## Samhain

Yep can read it too


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## Hauntiholik

I could read it just fine but I wanted to fix the spelling! LOL!


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## Death's Door

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at 
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he 
knows her from. So he says, 'Do you Know me? To which she replies, 'I think 
you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to 
his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that 
I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your 
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, 'No, I meant, I'm your son's math teacher.'


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## Lilly

Spiders
>>
>>A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
>>reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl
>>was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
>>to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders
>>mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
>>"They're > mating," her father replied. "What do you call the
>>spider on top, Daddy?" she asked "That's a daddy longlegs," her father
>>answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?"
>>the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are
>>daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment,
>>then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT
>>sort of **** in our garden."


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## Lilly

"A Bloody Nosed Bat"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. 

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. 
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. 
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"


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## Lagrousome

Lilly said:


> Spiders
> >>
> >>A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
> >>reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl
> >>was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
> >>to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders
> >>mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
> >>"They're > mating," her father replied. "What do you call the
> >>spider on top, Daddy?" she asked "That's a daddy longlegs," her father
> >>answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?"
> >>the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are
> >>daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment,
> >>then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT
> >>sort of **** in our garden."


LMAO!
Good one Lilly!


----------



## Revenant

After a successful meeting, a businessman decides to take the rest of the day off and stop at a pub for a drink or two before going home. He stops at a place he's never been, a rathskeller pub in a historic building. His eyes adjust to the low light in the shadowy, gothic-looking room and sees he's the only person there. He orders a drink, the bartender walks away and the guy hears a voice next to him say "Nice tie!" He starts to say "Oh, thanks, it's a Wembley..." and breaks off when he realizes no one is there. He's spooked, but says nothing and sips his drink.

"Goes well with the suit. You really dress for success."

He jerks his head around; no one is there. He gulps his drink, waves the bartender over, and orders a double vodka. The barman walks off, the guy takes a sip, and hears "Ooh, Ketel One... you're a first class fellow!"

The guy freaks and calls the bartender. "Hey, this place is haunted!!"

The bartender cocks his head and says "I've been here 10 years and I've never heard of anything like that, sir." The guy replies, "I'm the only one here, but there's a voice near me that keeps telling me how nice my suit is, and how I've got good taste, and... and..."

The bartender says "Oh, that..." and gestures toward the snacks dish on the bar. "That's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."


----------



## Catbert

slightlymad said:


> Retired Couple vs WalMart Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are >retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that Mr.>Fenton go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the>shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves>to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store. Dear Mrs. Fenton, >Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a>commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may>ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents>on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr.>Fenton are listed below. Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse >was shopping in>Walmart: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them>in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm > clocks in Housewares to go off>at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the >floor leading>to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an>official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and watched what>happened. 5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of>M&M's on layaway. 6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a >carpeted>area. 7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told>other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from>the bedding department. 8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help >him, he>begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. >Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a>mirror, and picked his nose. 10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the >hunting department,>asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants. 11. Dec 3: >Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming>the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. Dec 6: In the auto department, >practiced his "Madonna">look using different sized funnels. 13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack >and when people browsed>through yelled, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. Dec 21: When an announcement >came over the loud speaker, he>assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices>again!!!!" And last, but not least ... 15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting >room, shut the door, waited>awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in>here!">


All of those things said came from a text file on a different website.


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## Ghoulbug

Like the bat joke lilly and revs joke..made me laugh.. i like the other ones too but i heard them b4 but they still good ones..makes me wish i could remember some now.......................


----------



## One of the Devils Rejects

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a friendly little father-son chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something important. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them." "I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
first honeymoon night, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try
these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't
want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

And they lived happily ever.


----------

