# Where You Can Retire



## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

A friend sent this to me and, since we have haunters from all over the country here, I thought I'd share

You can retire to *Phoenix, Arizona *where... 
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to *California* where... 
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 
3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to* New York City *where... 
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 
3. You think Central Park is "nature". 
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to *Minnesota* where... 
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco . 
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. 
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the *Deep South *where... 
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to *Colorado* where... 
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center. 
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the *Midwest* where... 
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

You can retire to *Florida *where. 
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 
2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars. 
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


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## Dixie (Feb 18, 2009)

Thats the funniest thing I have read in ages, Roxy Sue, I like hearin' about how the rest of all y'all live!! I gotta go.... gotta git down to the store and pick up a movie and some bait, and a mouse trap - gotta mouse that needs a good killin'.


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

LMAO, Dixie!

I noticed the east coast was represented solely by New York City (Florida does not count). I feel so left out


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## jaege (Aug 23, 2009)

I really laughed at the "he needed killin" defense. Funny.


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## Dixie (Feb 18, 2009)

jaege said:


> I really laughed at the "he needed killin" defense. Funny.


Yeah, I really hate to admit it, but everything posted for the Deep South is pretty spot on, and I have a hard time imagining it any other way!

Roxy, you should come up with a few for your area, and post em here! I love hearing about other places and their idiosyncrasies!!


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## scareme (Aug 29, 2006)

Those are so funny. Having lived in the north, south, east and midwest. I can attest to most of those things.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. 

I used to have an elderly aunt that drove a pink 62 Chevy Impala well into the 1980's, and had to sit on books to see over the dashboard. God, I loved her.


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## Manon (Aug 2, 2011)

We have a few more seasons here in L.A. The seasons are actually Fire, Flood, Mud, Pilot, Hiatus and Awards seasons.


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## Dixie (Feb 18, 2009)

Manon said:


> We have a few more seasons here in L.A. The seasons are actually Fire, Flood, Mud, Pilot, Hiatus and Awards seasons.


What difference do you notice during Pilot season?!


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## Manon (Aug 2, 2011)

Oh my. We're just transitioning out of pilot season now. Every single solitary billboard and bus, the side of every building and half of the cars are wrapped in ads for show pilots. I grew up here so I didn't really realize how different it is from other cities where a TV pilot is just what's on TV tonight...


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