# A Haunter's Guide to Tools



## randyaz (May 26, 2006)

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....' 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures. 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. 

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. 

TWO-TON HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of your garage rafters. 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home haunter's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless. 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer


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## ScareShack (May 26, 2006)

HAHA.....this is great....and very true!


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## BuriedAlive (Jun 8, 2006)

lol, Glad to know I'm using my tools properly.


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## Bodybagging (May 8, 2006)

FUNNIEST THING IVE SEEN in quite awhile..... Nothing funnier than the TRUTH! thanx for sharing.....


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## Lilly (Jun 13, 2006)

this is funny and oh so true... especially the Dammit tool !!!


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## Phil (Sep 2, 2007)

That's the best laugh I've had in a while! Thanks for posting it.


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## turtle2778 (Jul 9, 2006)

Randy, That was really funny. I laughed at the damnit tool one, I have a lot of those. And Ive had the metal come round and smack me before too. It was my arm though. I need those ribs.


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## Bethene (Jan 19, 2008)

that is too funny!! And so true-- especially the dammit tool!!


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## marcus132 (Oct 18, 2007)

I need some more tools. My skin is so contiguous.


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## randyaz (May 26, 2006)

a tig welder can help with that...


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## slightlymad (May 25, 2006)

Aw that was great. My personal fav is the vise that never holds and pinches that little peice of skin between the thumb and fore finger when the handle bounces


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## RookieSpooker (Jul 23, 2007)

This has GOT to be a sticky. Funny stuff.


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## slimy (Jul 12, 2006)

That was FUNNY!!!!!


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## Lilly (Jun 13, 2006)

randyaz , Is this an original from you, did you make this up?
If so pretty good.


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## beelce (Jul 21, 2007)

Hilarious Randy...I can identify with all of them...Thanks for posting


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## Revenant (Mar 17, 2007)

That is the first shop primer I've read that cuts thru the BS and explains things for what they are.


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## dionicia (Aug 4, 2007)

Don't forget the most important tool. The henway.


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## Phil (Sep 2, 2007)

I'm not gonna ask...


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## TommaHawk (Sep 18, 2007)

As soon as I can stop LMAO I'll post a comment here about how great this was...


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## Austin:) (Jun 13, 2007)

Glad im not the only one...


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