# Jokes



## dougspaulding (May 22, 2004)

DeathTouch said:


> I think someone needs to get off the forums and back in the kitchen.


That reminds me of a series of jokes on this very subject (which I discreetly moved to another thread to save myself the wrath of the Zombie):

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested!
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## Bodybagging (May 8, 2006)

A Termite walks into a pub and asks is the Bartender here


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## roadkill (May 11, 2006)

A rabbi, priest, and minister walk into a pub.

The barman says, "What!? Is this some kind of joke?"


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## claymud (Aug 21, 2005)

A duck walks into a store and asks for some duck food. The Owner says sorry we don't have duck food. The duck looks at him and says okay. 
Same duck the next day comes back into the store and asks for some duck food. 'Look,' the manager says 'we don't have duck food here' The duck leaves again.
So the next day the same duck walks in and asks for duck food. The manager looks at him and says, 'If you come in here one more time asking for Duck food I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor.'
Well on the fourth day the duck walks back into the store and asks the guy, 'Got any nails?' 'No.' The Manager replies, 'Good, now tell me.' The duck says, 'Do you have any duck food?'


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## Bodybagging (May 8, 2006)

that weally QUACKED me up.......Hey Someone was gonna say it!


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## krypt (Oct 25, 2005)

drunk staggers over to a lake where people are being saved ....he wanders up there and the priest says have you found jesus he says no grabs him dunks him under he asked him again have you found jesus he says no yet a again priest dunks him under for a long time this time brings him back up HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS! drunk catches his breath says man are you sure he fell in right here


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## claymud (Aug 21, 2005)

A Newfi's on a destroyer in world war two. This magic man's on board and preforming for the saliors. The Newfies being a pain and yelling everytime he does somthing 'I saw how you did that!' Finily the magic man gets pissed off and is about to tell the Newfi off when the boat is hit by a torpedo and sinks. Only the Newfi and magic man survive.

So for days the two are clinging to a peice of debris and the newfis staring at the magic man. 
'What do you want!' He finily asks the Newfi.
'I'm just wondering when your gonna make the ship reapper.' The Newfi says.


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## roadkill (May 11, 2006)

ummm - forgive my ignorance but what's a Newfi?


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## krypt (Oct 25, 2005)

i think its a heckler


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## claymud (Aug 21, 2005)

A Newfi is someone from Newfoundland... I think the equivalient of a ******* to you guys


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## mrklaw (Nov 11, 2005)

Newfie - Wikipedia, the free [email protected]@[email protected]@/wiki/File:Carlb-fogo-newfoundland-ducks-2002.jpg" class="image"><img alt="" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/45/Carlb-fogo-newfoundland-ducks-2002.jpg/360px-Carlb-fogo-newfoundland-ducks-2002.jpg"@@[email protected]@commons/thumb/4/45/Carlb-fogo-newfoundland-ducks-2002.jpg/360px-Carlb-fogo-newfoundland-ducks-2002.jpg


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## roadkill (May 11, 2006)

Thanks for the clarification. I shoulda known to check the Wiki! <slapping forehead>


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## claymud (Aug 21, 2005)

I saw this girl looking at me from across the bar and smile. It was then that teh words of my mother rushed through my head... Don't pick that up! You don't know where its been!


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## joker (Sep 25, 2007)




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## Sickie Ickie (Jun 20, 2006)

two men walk into a bar...the third one ducks


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## Halloween Jokes (May 13, 2016)

Q: Where does a vampire usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria!

Q: Why did the vampire become an actor?
A: He wanted a part he could sink his teeth into!

Q: What is a vampie’s favourite breakfast?
A: Ready-Neck!!

Q: Who is a vampire’s favorite type of person to bite?
A: A red neck!!

Q: Why doesn’t vampire mind the doctor looking at his throat.
A: Because of his big coffin.

Q: Why do vampires scare people?
A: They are bored to death!

Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: Fang Decay!!!

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath!


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