# What not to say to an officer



## Goblin

This is a list of humerous things you should avoid saying to an officer when
pulled over.

"I don't suppose I could bribe you with this box of doughnuts, could I?"


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## stagehand1975

sorry ociffer. I was speeding away from the zombies. want a beer


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## scareme

What's your problem?


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## Goblin

How fast was I going? The needle on the speedometer went around twice then
flew off!


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## Night Watchman

Honest Mr. Ocifer I only had tee martwonis.


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## highbury

It's oregano...


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## Night Watchman

Freeze!


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## Draik41895

"Do you know why I pulled you over, Officer?"


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## Goblin

You never would have got me if I hadn't run into you!


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## debbie5

"...I didn't see the red light cuz I'm blind".


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## Goblin

I stayed in the lane......it was the lines that kept moving!


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## debbie5

Gaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbawasshadooon??


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## Goblin

I was distracted by the flashing blue lights


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## Night Watchman

I pay your salary.


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## Goblin

Here, hold my beer while I get my license out


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## scareme

Hurry up, I'm late.


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## Goblin

Scareme said it wasn't illegal


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## Zurgh

Sir, can't this wait till' after I dump the body?


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## Goblin

Wanna drag race?


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## MrGrimm

Do your sun glasses have the mirrors on the _inside_?


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## Evil Andrew

Really, I left my ID in my other pants.......


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## MrGrimm

Tell your wife Miss Piggy I said "Hi"


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## Frightmaster-General




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## MrGrimm

Hey didn't I see your wife at the strip club? She's on at 7 right?


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## Evil Andrew

" It's not me you should be arresting - it's the Evil Queen - she's the one you should be arresting!! And what about those f---ing dwarves ? What about them?"


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## MrGrimm

So do you use those handcuffs while off duty?


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## debbie5

"Po po shut us doooowwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn........"


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## debbie5

"Hang on..I need to take a swig of my JD to wash down the 2 joints I just ate."


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## Goblin

Of course I seen you....I hit you didn't I?


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## MrGrimm

You know officer, in Quebec, a red light is just a suggestion!


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## Goblin

Doesn't red mean go?


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## Zurgh

Hey, no fair! You got a gun, and all I got is this flamethrower...


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## MrGrimm

Come on! Do it! Sing YMCA!!!!


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## Evil Andrew

"I never should have listened to Snow White "


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## Goblin

Evil Andrew said it was okay to drive that fast!


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## MrGrimm

Oh sorry officer, didn't recognize you without a doughnut and coffee in your hands


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## Goblin

I wasn't breaking the speed limit.....the car was, I was just along for the ride!


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## MrGrimm

is that your taser in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?


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## Frightmaster-General

"Are you the droid I'm looking for?"


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## Evil Andrew

Can you give me a push?


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## Goblin

Evil Andrew said he fixed the brakes!


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## MrGrimm

you know at least firemen actually serve society...


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## Goblin

Your blue flashing lights distracted me, that's why I ran into you!


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## scareme

Is that a costume you are wearing? Here's some candy.


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## MrGrimm

you've got doughnut powder on your chin... and cheek... and uniform...


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## Goblin

How did you ever get behind the wheel of the patrol car?


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## MrGrimm

Protect and Serve eh? You can serve me by getting lost!


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## Frightmaster-General




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## scareme

Your mother wears army boots.


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## MrGrimm

Your mother's an old battle axe!


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## Goblin

Were you chasing me?


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## MrGrimm

Nah officer, that's just ketchup leaking out of my trunk...


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## badger

Hands off my doughnuts, pig...


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## MrGrimm

I'd never call you an A-Hole officer! Because unlike you, even A-holes have a purpose in life...


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## Evil Andrew

Guys, I'm *NOT* lovin it !


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## MrGrimm

So... did you have to pass a physical to become a police officer? Or did a bribe do the job?


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## Goblin

Got any extra doughnuts?


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## MrGrimm

Look, I won't make you eat the ticket, cause it looks like you've had enough to eat for this lifetime.


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## Zurgh

Lets have a duel with these chainsaws!


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## scareme

Blue's not your color, have you ever tried a pink uniform?


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## Evil Andrew

I'm The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business - "Mr. Dynamite". Who the f#€¥ are you?


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## scareme

Just knock the white powder off that drivers licence would you?


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## Goblin

Here hold my beer while I get my license out


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## MrGrimm

Get your filthy hands off me you damn dirty ape!!!


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## Goblin

You'd never caugfht me if I hadn't ran into the tree


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## Evil Andrew

J,hfyhmgf jkhhvu. Ubjg hvgct hbjnknkbjb hvu b ink nun kn. Ihmhvjjhchcgjnkn. Ibjbhvhvhbjb jbgc54/4/$$&@)6$;([email protected]&&&!8 jjjb j ku hu juvfyhthtcchjjhvjhvhtdt. Jbjbhvhvhvh hvhv hhv HD(hreavhjkljdustrzrfjh h. Uv uv h5$$$&.()5$(,&$&&&5534;3;: jhhjvhg hvjjhvh jj uv jjhv hhv jjuyfdthyckjbilkji. Ytwdgvyi5uyiu jhk j k k!!!


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## MrGrimm

I'm gonna make you and offer, you can't refuse...


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## Goblin

I just wanted to take the patrol car for a spin!


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## Evil Andrew

Don't bother trying to call my mom - I was home alone .......... Get it?.........home alone....jeez don't you have any movie theaters in this town?


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## Goblin

I was playing Dukes of Hazzard


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## Evil Andrew

Isn't there something I could do, Officer, for you personally, just to make this all go away?


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## Goblin

Honest, I thought he was a zombie......so I shot him!


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## Evil Andrew

Officer, if you let me pull my pants up from around my ankles, I promise, I won't tell anyone........


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## MrGrimm

So, I guess not all pigs smell of bacon...


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## Goblin

I thought the headlights coming at me was two motorcycles so I tried
to drive betwen them


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## MrGrimm

Sorry I was speeding officer, but I got another call from your mom and she's waiting for me...


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## Evil Andrew

How was I supposed to know that the City of San Francisco banned Happy Meals ?










http://articles.latimes.com/2010/nov/02/business/la-fi-happy-meals-20101103


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## Evil Andrew

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them!


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## Goblin

Well they said it was a drive through.......so I drove through and kept going!


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## MrGrimm

I am batman!


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## Evil Andrew

You're a flower, you are. Just a little desert flower.


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## Goblin

I didn't think a windup car could drive that fast!


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## pensivepumpkin

I smell bacon.


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## Goblin

Did you follow the trail of doughnuts?


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## randomr8

Setting off the car alarm as you turn off the engine while the officer is right in front of the hood. Then yell "Surprise!"


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## Evil Andrew

All we are saying, is give peace a chance !


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## MrGrimm

I'm on my way to Occupy Wall Street to investigate cops who think they have a right to abuse and inflict violence on peaceful protesters


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## Goblin

You mean red DOESN'T mean go?


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## Evil Andrew

I think I love you
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for
I think I love you
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
I've never felt this way


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## Goblin

Andrew wasn't drunk. He just ran off the road to advoid a head on collision with his inspection sticker


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## scareme

I pay your salary, so you work for me.


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## MrGrimm

They say a police officer has to have the memory of an elephant, I guess you chose to go with the ass too.


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## Goblin

Scareme said she could outrun you backwards so I challenged her to prove it!


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## MrGrimm

So... to protect and serve eh? THEN GO GET ME A COFFEE!!!


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## Spooky1

... how do you like the hookah I mounted on my dash board?


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## Frightmaster-General

You must have been born on a highway, because that's where most accidents happen.


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## Evil Andrew

Come on, who doesn't love Greenpeace ?


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## scareme

You're only here because there was a hole in your daddy's condom.


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## MrGrimm

I think your helmet's too tight... Cutting off the blood flow...


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## Frightmaster-General

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?


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## scareme

Can you hurry up? I'm late for my Greenpeace Rally.


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## Evil Andrew

Come on, what are you going to do- arrest _ALL_ of us ???


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## Goblin

I was trying to get it up to ramming speed


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## debbie5

"Your wife just called me & said she needed a quickie..."


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## MrGrimm

I am sorry officer I had to go right to LUDICROUS SPEED!


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## Frightmaster-General

Evil Andrew told me you LOVE Greenpeace....


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## MrGrimm

That white, round motorcycle helmet reminds me that your are a big pr*ck, just not in the pants.


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## Tater1970

How many bullets do they really give for that gun?


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## Evil Andrew

Mom ! Check out channel 4 right n.........


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## Goblin

It was Scareme who shot out your tires as a prank.


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## Evil Andrew

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompadee dee
If you are wise you will listen to me
Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?
Blaming the kids is a lion of shame
You know exactly who's to blame:
The mother and the father!
Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
If you're not spoiled then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do


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## Goblin

I was driving fine till I dropped my beer


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## MrGrimm

Hey I recognize you! You're that guy who married his cousin at a stock car wedding!


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## Evil Andrew

Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied.


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## Goblin

I just wanted to take the bus joyriding


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## MrGrimm

I'm a cop too! No really here's my badge. *unzips pants*


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## Evil Andrew

......there are no bad dogs....just bad owners......


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## Goblin

Why do you call it a patrol car when you're never on patrol?


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## Frightmaster-General

"Tinkerbell! Bring me your magic doughnut!!"


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## QueenRuby2002

Yes I know I was going 80 but Halloween city is having a 50% sale and I have to beat everyone one else there to get the cool stuff.


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## Evil Andrew

You know, even little old ladies with walkers can outrun you in that thing ?


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## Goblin

How fast can you pedal that kiddie car?


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## MrGrimm

Oh no sir, please stop me, frisk me, search my car, throw me in prison... all for nothing . Just because I'm a big fan of abuse of authority


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## Evil Andrew

Should I turn my head an cough, or are you going to buy me a drink?


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## Goblin

You'd never caught me if I hadn't run out of gas


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## MrGrimm

Weren't you on to catch a predator?


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## Evil Andrew

So how much of my stuff is going into evidence, and how much are you and your police buddies taking home ?


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## Goblin

I thought Andrew was a better driver than that


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## QueenRuby2002

No I didn't see Evil Andrew steal your cruser and go joy ridding. 100 bucks might get me to change my mind.


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## MrGrimm

Is that powdered sugar in your 80s porno mustache or were you in the cocaine drug bust evidence locker again?


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## Evil Andrew

No, I don't have a CCW , but I did stay here at the Holiday Inn Express last night......


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## Goblin

Was I driving too fast for you to keep up?


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## Evil Andrew

Oohhhh, yeah. You guys are gonna need those masks - I can feel the green chile kicking in : )


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## Goblin

Want me to slow down so you can keep up?


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## Evil Andrew

Ohhh yeah, now move your knees in a circle, oohh that's just like shiatsu, people pay big bucks for an authentic shiatsu massage, Ooohhh. Now a little to the lefffftttt........


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## Goblin

I thought you were just in a hurry to get to Dunkin Doughnuts


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## Evil Andrew

Hey - leave some for other people please !


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## Goblin

You never would've caught me if I hadn't run out of gas!


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## MrGrimm

I work for internal affairs... what's your badge number?


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## Evil Andrew

OK- let's get started. You are probably wondering why I've called you here today....


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## Goblin

A ticket to rock concert?


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## Evil Andrew

No ossifer, we only had a few Heinekens......

http://makefunofmyfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/seriously-drunk-*******.jpg


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## MrGrimm

That's smell? No nothing in the trunk... I just keep the head in the glove box...


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## Evil Andrew

It's animal cruelty if you try to make that there hound sniff those............just saying...


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## scareme

Hey Andy, where did they find your underware?


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## Goblin

You shouldn't be surprised officer.....Scareme can't drive a nail straight either!


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## Evil Andrew

Whenever you rear-end someone, it is automatically YOUR FAULT, Officer !!!


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## scareme

Where did you go to driving school?


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## Goblin

I thought you wanted to race!


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## Evil Andrew

I said gimme back my damn shirt NOW, or else !!!


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## Goblin

Of course I seen the speed limit sign......after I hit it!


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## Zurgh

Man, are you ugly! I can't tell , officer, if you are an ape or just a hideous human... please tell me you are wearing a mask.


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## Evil Andrew

Say Cheese !


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## Goblin

Oh, did you want me to pull over?


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## Evil Andrew

You know, you can't question me without my parent or legal guardian present......I may be little, but I know the law Po Po........


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## Goblin

I had no idea the driver was colorblind or I would have told him the
light was red


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## Evil Andrew

WTH is this .... Revenge of the Mall Cops ?


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## Goblin

I don't know how the body got in the trunk.


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## Zurgh

Will you help me dig another shallow grave for you, too?


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## Evil Andrew

How do I love thee.........


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## debbie5

"Yooo gawt a reeeelll purty maw-uth.....


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## Goblin

Debbie5 was showing me how she could drive with her feet and her toes got caught in the steering wheel


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## Evil Andrew

"Do you know what's going on?" 
"Maybe it's another drill."


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## Goblin

I got one of those badges out of a box of cracker jacks too


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## Evil Andrew

Heh heh, you must taste like _bacon_, Officer!


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## Goblin

You should see me when I REALLY drive fast


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## tcass01

Weave..??...I don't even knit...


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## Evil Andrew

Check him out - badge #4-2-0


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## Spooky1

I am your father, you must join the dark side of the force.


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## Goblin

I was driving drunk, the drunk was driving!


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## Evil Andrew

13 of you against 1 of me, that seems fair............


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## Spooky1

Are you selling tickets to the Policeman's Ball?


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## Goblin

Don't you have to report in to Boss Hogg?


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## Evil Andrew

Wow - I thought that donuts had more preservatives than that........


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## Goblin

I was distracted by the blue flashing lights


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## Evil Andrew

What, no takers ? I didn't think so. Bunch of.........


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## Goblin

Was I driving to fast Buford?


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## Evil Andrew

See what I can do to cop cars with my psychic powers ?


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## scareme

Who does your hair, honey?


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## Goblin

You wanna tell Jason Vorhees he can't drive?


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## Intrepid

"Dude"


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## Goblin

Was that your motorcycle I ran over?


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## Drago

" My gun is bigger than yours"


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## scareme

Make it fast, I'm late.


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## Goblin

Don't look at me, Scareme was driving!


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## scareme

Oh, was I suppose to have a licence?


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## Goblin

Scareme said she knew a shortcut.....next thing I knew we
were driving through somebody's living room!


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## Drago

Get off my property pig!!!!


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## Goblin

Were you chasing me?


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## Evil Andrew

So which of you reads the Miranda Warning?


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## Goblin

That fast, huh?


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## Evil Andrew

Perhaps you didn't see my card, Officer......


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## Goblin

I was watching the sleigh and reindeer flying over!


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## Evil Andrew

Sweatshirts are $29.95, do you need an XXXL?


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## PrettyGhoul

"I think you just broke my steering column." 

I actually said this to a police officer when he was moving my car off a road in Tampa after it just died. He yanked it so hard I heard the crack. He gave me a look to kill and said, " no I didn't" I was just like "oh ****" and said "my mistake, I'm sure its fine". It wasn't, but he was scary. Not my normal experience with a police officer at all.


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## Spooky1

my gun's bigger


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## scareme

Can't you just go home?


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## Goblin

Scareme thought the library needed a drive thru.


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## Evil Andrew

Eat more chicken.


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## Spooky1

Race you to the meth lab down the street.


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## Goblin

It's not my fault.....my brakes don't work!


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## Evil Andrew

No, Officer. That ain't my truck. We were just standing here.....


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## Goblin

Maybe you were on the wrong side of the road. Ever thought of that?


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## tcass01

...weaving?? I don't even knit.


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## Evil Andrew

I stopped for you clowns ?


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## Spooky1

Can you arrest me after I blow up Congress?


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## Goblin

Would you arrest me if I blew up Congress?


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## stagehand1975

I was trying to gain some points, 10 for the old lady, 15 for the one in the wheel chair.


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## Goblin

Speed limit? What speed limit?


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## Evil Andrew

I'm Batman !


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## Goblin

I thought you wanted to race


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## Evil Andrew

Hang on, I have to switch to a wide-angle lens.....


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## Spooky1

I didn't know they made uniforms in XXXXXL


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## Goblin

Can I work the siren?


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## QueenRuby2002

Did you know they stop making jail cells like this because its to easy to break out of?


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## Wildcat

Take out a little wedge and add 2lbs to the left front. She was a little squirrely on that last lap.


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## Goblin

Got your bullet Barney?


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## stagehand1975

Hurry IP and write the ticket, your wife is waiting for me.


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## PirateLady

Sorry officer I was between you and dunking donuts


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## QueenRuby2002

Why are you harassing me and not locking up real crimanls... *Look at the cop and laugh* oh I'm sorry I thought you were a real cop but there is no way you pass the physical.

(I'm feeling mean today)


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## Goblin

I didn't know you could pedal that cycle that fast!


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## Evil Andrew

If my demands aren't met by 10:00, the clown gets it...........


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## Goblin

Evil Andrew decided Walmart needed a drive thru


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## Evil Andrew

Don't worry, I have insurance.......


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## Spooky1

What's DWI stand for?


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## Goblin

All I know is Scareme yelled "RAMMING SPEED" and we rear ended you!


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## Evil Andrew

You might do better meeting your quota if you went to another neighborhood .........just sayin.........


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## Goblin

Well. I did stop after I hit you!


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## Evil Andrew

Let me guess, you're assigned to the harbor patrol division ?


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## Goblin

I didn't know it could go that fast!


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## Evil Andrew

I bet you'd make your own mother do a breathalyzer ..........


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## scareme

I'm hungry, what have you got to eat in the car there.


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## Goblin

Scareme was hungry for pizza so she used the drive thru at Pizza Hut......Yeah?
Well now they have one!


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## Evil Andrew

What was that address again?


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## Goblin

If I was driving THAT fast how did you manage to catch me?


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## scareme

You're cute, are you married?


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## Goblin

I would've stopped but the brakes don't work!


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## Evil Andrew

My name is Dr Zaius........


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## Goblin

Statutory Burglary? I didn't steal no @#[email protected]$ statue!


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## Evil Andrew

Can I get another Bud Light please ?


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## Spooky1

Why yes, I am dating your daughter.


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## Goblin

You'd never would've caught me if I hadn't run out of gas!


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## Evil Andrew

I'm guessing the bank robber got away, huh Barn ?


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## Petronilla

I wasn't speeding.I was qualifying.


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## Goblin

Nice badge. How many boxes of Cracker Jacks did it take to get it?


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## badger

Didn't I see you at the grand opening of that new Dunkin' Donuts?


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## Evil Andrew

How does it do on the autobahn, compared to, say, a Porshe or Audi A6 ?


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## BioHazardCustoms

You really need to stop following me.


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## Goblin

No I didn't shoot out your flashing blue light.......I shot out your tire!


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## Evil Andrew

Is that a police pimpmobile ?


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## Goblin

I was just waiting for you to catch up


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## Evil Andrew

No, I don't need a booster seat...........


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## Goblin

Yes, but you broke the speed limit to catch me!


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## Evil Andrew

Too many parking tickets ?


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## Goblin

Go ahead and tow the car I stole it anyway!


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## Evil Andrew

if you are so worried about what's coming down this road, what's that officer on the left doing out in the open ?


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## Goblin

Oh? Who's peace was I disturbing?


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## badger

Oink, oink...


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## Goblin

Doesn't a high speed chase mean the driver is supposed to be high?


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## Evil Andrew

Have you seen a can of spray paint laying around ?


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## Goblin

Stand back or my monkey will shoot










Too late!


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## QueenRuby2002

Dude do you have a pipe on you?


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## Goblin

If I knew you were gonna rear end me I wouldn't hit the brakes!


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## Evil Andrew

Finally, the truth.........


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## Goblin

Did you really get that badge out of a box of Cracker Jacks?


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## Evil Andrew

Crooked cops. Do they come in any other way? If I'd been just a little dumber, I could have joined the force myself.......


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## scareme

Can I be there when you haul Evil Andrew in?


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## Evil Andrew

(too late : )


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## Goblin

Evil Andrew said it was okay to drive that fast!


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## Evil Andrew

OK- you really shouldn't use the guy who draws caricatures as a criminal sketch artist.......

Calling all cars, all points bulliten on Zippy the Pinhead.....


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## Goblin

Can I drive the patrol car?


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## Evil Andrew

Is it true that two out of three Russian police officers are pale, friendless virgins ?


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## Goblin

Can i work the siren?


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## Hairazor

What do you mean your chest is not an ashtray?

(really happened, they stopped a woman here and when they had her get out of the car, she put her cigarette out on the officer's chest. Oh yeah she got hauled in right quick)


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## STOLLOWEEN

My eyes are naturally bloodshot...honest occifer.


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## Goblin

I wasn't robbing the bank I was just borrowing money


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## Evil Andrew

Which of you is "Miranda" ?


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## Goblin

I just wanted to see if you could catch me!


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## Zurgh

'Could you hold my backpack filled with contraband while I fish out my fake ID for you?'


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## Pumpkin5

:jol: Are you SURE that is the speed limit?


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## Lord Homicide

Not fast enough... you got me.


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## Pumpkin5

:jol: What's up Buttercup?


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## Spooky1

Hey, aren't you that kid I use to beat up in high school?


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## Evil Andrew

New uniforms ?


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## Pumpkin5

:jol: Your shades make you look fat.....


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## Copchick

Oh my God these responses are so great! I love them! Can you believe I've heard some of these before? The pictures are great too! Keep 'em comin'!


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## Goblin

Race ya to the doughnut shop


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## Copchick

You're buying!!


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## Pumpkin5

:jol: (Actual story from an aquaintance) Police officer pulls her over...Officer:Ma'am you just ran that stop sign....can you tell me why you did that? Her: Well.....I'm not from around here.....
Honestly this really took place....like where was she from??? Mars? Does "STOP" mean something different in different states?!


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## Evil Andrew

I can't even guess how many forms you're gonna have to fill out .....


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## Goblin

Gee, what nifty handcuffs!


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## Copchick

When someone whines to me, "These handcuffs are too tight" I respond, "They're just new, they'll stretch a little". Lol! Yes, and some are drunk enough to believe it!


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## Goblin

Shouldn't you be chasing them Duke Boys?


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## Copchick




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## Moon Dog

Nevermind the blood coming from under the trunk lid.


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## Moon Dog

Bad cop, no doughnut!


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## Evil Andrew

Zombie patrol in Santa Barbara ?


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## Goblin

I let you catch me!


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## TarotByTara

:takes out pad and pen:

"Oh yeah? Well I'm writing YOU a ticket, too, Mr. Showoff."


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## Moon Dog

Want a beer? I only have one left.


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## Pumpkin5

:jol: Bad night, huh? Sometimes a shot of Grey Goose takes the edge off....


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## Goblin

My buddies dared me to rear end you


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## Lord Homicide

Oh hell I can't, you get in here...


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## Evil Andrew

Mmmdh,,did,mmmmmllll. Djdjdkfkfiiimmmmmmppphhhh !


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## TarotByTara

Cop approaches window. 

Driver rolls down the window and smiles, "Okay, my turn! Tag-- you're it!"

:speeds off:


----------



## Spooky1

Which way to the nearest crack house?


----------



## Goblin

That fast, huh?


----------



## TarotByTara

"pay no attention to the blood on the grill... or the moans coming from beneath the car."


----------



## Lord Homicide

No, You blow into this


----------



## Goblin

Where's your one bullet, Barney?


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Moon Dog

I'll bet my gun is bigger than yours!


----------



## Lord Homicide

Gimme a #1, super-sized.


----------



## Lord Homicide

"Thank you for serving and protecting me." ~ Night at the Roxbury


----------



## Moon Dog

Why don't you go in the back and make us some old fashions?


----------



## Goblin

I tell you I did see a cat tap dancingacross the road!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

Well officer, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.


----------



## Pumpkin5

:jol: I bet I can run faster than you!


----------



## aquariumreef

Are you related to Deputy Nasty by any chance?


----------



## SterchCinemas

Ooooo! What does this button do!?


----------



## Goblin

Where did you get the clown car?


----------



## Frightmaster-General

Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?


----------



## Evil Andrew

I told my mom not to shop at Baby Gap....


----------



## Copchick

I swear this actually happened. After searching a guy after being arrested and finding a bagful of crack in his pants pocket that he was actually wearing, he had the nerve to say, "These ain't even my pants. I swear to god these ain't my pants". Really? Seriously? I may have been born at night but not last night!


----------



## Goblin

The pink elephant grabbed the wheel and ran it into you!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"But this is Ashbringer, the blade of the Scarlet Highlord!!!"


----------



## Goblin

Don't look at me, Pumpkin5 throught Walmart needed a drive-thru.....so she gave them one!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Copchick said:


> , he had the nerve to say, "These ain't even my pants. I swear to god these ain't my pants".


----------



## Goblin

Copchick ran off the road trying to avoid a head on collision with her inspection sticker!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"I swear officer, I thought today was Boxer-Day!"


----------



## Goblin

I was trying to help you catch the guy speeding in front of me!


----------



## Moon Dog

Are you going to finish that doughnut?


----------



## Copchick

Sorry sir, I'm going to have to tow this truck.


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"I am Lex Luthor! The greatest criminal mind of our time!"


----------



## Hairazor

Let's you and me go back to my place and I'll show you why you shouldn't ticket me!


----------



## Moon Dog

I was speeding? Whew! I thought you pulled me over for all the drugs in the trunk.


----------



## Lord Homicide

_(bratty)_ "I pay your salary."


----------



## Copchick

Lord Homicide said:


> _(bratty)_ "I pay your salary."


I wish I had a nickel for everytime I've heard that! I just smile back and ask for a raise.


----------



## Evil Andrew

What do you mean my ID looks fake?


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Goblin

Copchick said it was okay


----------



## Moon Dog

Can I borrow your gun?


----------



## kauldron

Now the aliens I was running from can take you instead!!


----------



## Moon Dog

Ya caught me... best two out of three?


----------



## Frightmaster-General

Protester: "Down with racial discrimination!! Down with gender discrimination!!"

Cop: "Errrrr... Ok!"


----------



## Hairazor

Shove off pig!!!


----------



## Evil Andrew

No occifer, I , I .........I haven't been drinking ...... What ? What does my shirt .......what does my shirt has ....to ...do with anything ?


----------



## Goblin

I wasn't drag racing I was racing someone in drag!


----------



## kauldron

"But my wife is about to have a baby!" 
"What's that, where's my wife?"
"I knew I forgot something!?!"


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not going to walk that white line unless you put a net under it


----------



## Goblin

Nonsense my good man. I only had tee martunies.


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Moon Dog

You're last! (for Copchick)


----------



## Lord Homicide

Copchick said:


> I wish I had a nickel for everytime I've heard that! I just smile back and ask for a raise.


Screw the raise, you'd be a millionaire right? I can't fathom how many times any cop's heard that 

"I wanted to be a cop but I decided to graduate high school."


----------



## Evil Andrew

Sometimes, you don't have to say anything.......


----------



## Goblin

How was I to know his shortcut was through Walmart


----------



## Frightmaster-General

Whenever I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying: "I hid the body, now what?"


----------



## Evil Andrew

no, I _can't_ take off my hat !


----------



## Copchick




----------



## Frightmaster-General

*I can't detect any Braaaaaains!!!*​


----------



## Goblin

I told Pumpkin5 to let me have the wheel and she handed it to me!


----------



## Evil Andrew

So, what time does Panda Express open ?


----------



## Goblin

Pumpkin5 said she was a good driver........how was I to know he thought she was a golf club!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Hello - can we move this along please ? if I knew it would be so hot in here , I wouldn't have worn my cape....


----------



## Goblin

Did you see me last night on America's Most Wanted?


----------



## Copchick

Goblin said:


> Did you see me last night on America's Most Wanted?


*Just a side note:*

The hair stands up on the back of your neck when you have someone who was featured on AMW standing right in front of you.


----------



## Goblin

The brakes wouldn't work so I stopped it by running into the tree!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Second star to the right and straight on till morning .......


----------



## Goblin

I thought you were on a doughnut break


----------



## Evil Andrew

Officer, why don't you do more funny things, so EA can post pictures on Haunt Forum ?


----------



## Goblin

I am not as think as you drunk I am


----------



## Evil Andrew

Party on dude


----------



## Goblin

Hope you can get your patrol car out of the lake


----------



## Evil Andrew

Get that dog away from my hymn book !


----------



## Goblin

Don't look at me....they're Pumpkin5's gremlins!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

*We all have fishing permits, officer...*​


----------



## Lord Homicide

Frightmaster-General said:


> *We all have fishing permits, officer...*​


LOL! Man that made my morning already - thanks for posting that. Friggen hilarious


----------



## Copchick

Oh my God! That is sooo wrong, but I like it! Hilarious...


----------



## Moon Dog

Move over, I'll drive, you'll have to hold my beer though.


----------



## Evil Andrew

Wait a minute - you can't give me a ticket ! I gave $20 to the Police Benevolent Association !


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Goblin

I was a waiter for 10 years till I got tired of serving


----------



## Evil Andrew

Awww come on ! You're gonna ticket the wiener mobile ?


----------



## Goblin

If I was speeding so fast how did you manage to catch me?


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Moon Dog

Catch me if you can!


----------



## Goblin

I thought you wanted to race!


----------



## Evil Andrew

OK. You guy keep trying to figure it out, and I'll just be on my way ........


----------



## Copchick

Wouldn't you all love to see something like this?


----------



## Frightmaster-General

What not to say to an officer while sneaking up behind him:

*"BOO!!!"*








​


----------



## Evil Andrew

What about plumbers ?


----------



## Goblin

Copchick gave me this "Get out of Jail Free" card.


----------



## Copchick

Uh oh, that was my other card stack. I usually give these out.


----------



## Lord Homicide

Copchick said:


> Uh oh, that was my other card stack. I usually give these out.


LOL. Thank God I got this


----------



## Copchick

Yes, but my card usually follows this:


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Goblin

My honor was at stake! I was challenged to a race!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Hey - I don't know anyone named Miranda - what's on that card ?


----------



## MrGrimm

But officer, in Quebec, the stop sigh is just a suggestion!


----------



## Goblin

I have no idea what a stop sigh is officer!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

*High five!*​


----------



## Copchick

I swear the Shepherd made me do it!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

*This graveyard-haunt is going to be a hit!
Don't you think so, officer?*​


----------



## Moon Dog

Here, hold my beer... watch this!


----------



## Evil Andrew

I'm guessing you figured out why we put those big orange "Road Closed" signs up......


----------



## Goblin

Well, the siren was hurting my ears, that's why I shot it!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

*Can you hand me a towel, officer?*​


----------



## Goblin

You're just mad cause I knocked your doughnuts all over the street!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Don't you hate budget cuts ?


----------



## Hairazor

Does this car make me look fat?


----------



## Copchick

I wonder if they'll have these in my size?


----------



## Goblin

Copchick said:


> I wonder if they'll have these in my size?


I was distracted by your new shoes!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Yeah, three cheeseburgers, two large fries, two chocolate shakes and one large coke.
And some flapjacks.
Too early for flapjacks?


----------



## MrGrimm

So... you were born from a "legitimate" rape eh? (tsk! tsk! I know... )


----------



## Spooky1

I know Copchick so you can't give me a ticket.


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"Children like to play with me..."​


----------



## Goblin

I thought the funeral procession was moving too slow!


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Lord Homicide

Dead? My God, I better get her to a cemetery right away!


----------



## Goblin

It's the first time I ever tried driving blindfolded


----------



## Copchick

I thought if I drove fast enough, it would put out the fire!


----------



## MrGrimm

I just got divorced and I thought you were bringing my wife back...


----------



## Goblin

Oh I figured I'd drive on ice so I could take the car for a spin


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Hairazor

If it makes you feel better you can have the rest of my beer. (Just actually saw this one on TV)


----------



## Goblin

Well I would've stopped if I had any brakes!


----------



## Evil Andrew

I ain't giving it back !


----------



## Goblin

I didn't rear end you too hard, did I?


----------



## Copchick

She told me she was 18!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Diplomatic Immunity !


----------



## Goblin

Where's my doughnut?


----------



## Frightmaster-General

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?


----------



## Goblin

I thought you'd like to play chicken


----------



## Evil Andrew

Was it my shirt ?


----------



## Hairazor

Do you know my friend Copchick? She'll take care of me!


----------



## Goblin

When Hairrazor drives it's a real hairazor for everyone!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Hey wait - that's supposed to be evidence !


----------



## sparky

Of course i can say my alphabet backwards
z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a.........


----------



## Goblin

I thought the stupid monkey could drive a car?


----------



## Hairazor

Nah nah the booboo!!


----------



## Goblin

Maybe everyone else was going the wrong way. Ever think of that?


----------



## Evil Andrew

What do you mean it looks fake ?


----------



## Goblin

Heck! This isn't even my car!


----------



## Hairazor

Tag, you're it!


----------



## Evil Andrew

What would you do for a Klondike Bar ?


----------



## MrGrimm

Ok, how many Timbits will this cost me?


----------



## Goblin

It's not my fault! There was a pink elephant crossing the road!


----------



## MrGrimm

I was bored and wanted to chat with someone


----------



## Goblin

What's wrong with my driving?


----------



## Evil Andrew

^ can we do that again ?


----------



## Goblin

I thought they needed another drive thru


----------



## MrGrimm

Hello, my name is Diego Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!


----------



## Goblin

I'm teaching the monkey to drive so he can spell me on long trips!


----------



## MrGrimm

Come on! Hey, come on... Don't be shy! Come on... Right here... Come on... sit on my lap!


----------



## Goblin

You're just jealous cause my car's faster than your's!


----------



## MrGrimm

You're much fatter in person.


----------



## Goblin

The monkey said he knew how to make a right turn


----------



## Evil Andrew

B-B-B-Baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin yet.......


----------



## RoxyBlue

Is that a real badge or did you find it in a Cracker Jacks box?


----------



## Goblin

Roxy told me the monkey was a good driver!


----------



## Copchick

RoxyBlue said:


> Is that a real badge or did you find it in a Cracker Jacks box?


I actually had someone, a drunk someone, say this as they TRIED to touch my badge.


----------



## Goblin

Santa wanted to race me


----------



## Evil Andrew

What are you wearing under your Kevlar ; )


----------



## Goblin

Can't help it.......Everytime I hear The Foggy Mt. Breakdown my foot just naturally hits the gas pedal!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Can we settle this right here ... In Brainerd ?


----------



## Goblin

I was trying to avoid hitting the pink elephants


----------



## the bloody chef

"Do I have any weapons? Depends. Is a bomb a weapon?" :xbones:


----------



## Evil Andrew

Bet you're thinking you wish you would have called for backup, aren't you ?


----------



## Goblin

I was trying to avoid hitting the sleigh and reindeers


----------



## Evil Andrew

You really should have taken range days more seriously.....


----------



## RoxyBlue

Are you a cop 'cause you couldn't make it as a fireman?


----------



## Hairazor

Cuff me baby, it really turns me on!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Hey, didn't I see you riding a Segue at the mall ?


----------



## the bloody chef

"I wasn't speeding! I thought you wanted to race me to the Dunkin' Donuts!"


----------



## Hairazor

Did you bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia?


----------



## Evil Andrew

Or John the Baptist ?


----------



## Goblin

My kid has a badge just like that!


----------



## the bloody chef

"You know, Officer, I can give you a list of 100 dirty things you can do with that nightstick !!!"


----------



## Goblin

I was trying to jump a car like I seen on the Dukes of Hazzard


----------



## Hairazor

I think I'm gonna be sick, hold your hat out for me to urp into!


----------



## Evil Andrew

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


----------



## Goblin

Am I parked on your foot?


----------



## the bloody chef

Of course I saw that stop sign! I just didn't think you were awake!


----------



## Copchick




----------



## RoxyBlue

Would you hold my beer for a second while I reload? I got a line of sight on a buck.


----------



## Evil Andrew

Donuts ? I'll fly if you buy : )


----------



## Goblin

Well, the monkey didn't tell me his license had expired!


----------



## the bloody chef

Does that breathamalizer tell me why your breath smells so bad?


----------



## Evil Andrew

9mm ? My grandma has one of those ........


----------



## Hairazor

Want to see who can draw their gun fastest, you or me?


----------



## Goblin

They were talking about her driving when they nicknamed her Hairazor.


----------



## the bloody chef

Officer! Have you ever said "Badges?!?! Badges?!?! I ain't got to show you no stinkin' badges!!!" ???


----------



## Goblin

You mean it's illegal?


----------



## Evil Andrew

It's not illegal, it's _medicinal ......._


----------



## the bloody chef

"No, that's not a _dead _body in the trunk! He's just resting!"


----------



## Goblin

Got any doughnuts left?


----------



## badger

Oink. oink, piggy...


----------



## Goblin

Can I ride shotgun?


----------



## the bloody chef

"You're not gonna tell my parole officer about that are you?"


----------



## Goblin

License? What license?


----------



## the bloody chef

"That's not my license, Officer! My name is really Zurgh and I am the Dark Overlord!!! You will comply!!!"


----------



## RoxyBlue

You can't give me a ticket. This isn't my car.


----------



## Hairazor

Hey, you're not Copchick, go away!


----------



## scareme

Kiss my lilly white behind.


----------



## Copchick

Funny, I think I've heard these all before. Especially yours Scareme! Lol!


----------



## Goblin

What do you expect? My instructor flunked driver's Ed three times


----------



## the bloody chef

"I'll bet you fifty bucks I can drive your squad car faster than you can!"


----------



## RoxyBlue

Did you become a cop because you couldn't cut it as a fireman?


----------



## Copchick

Oooo, that one was low Roxy.


----------



## scareme

What the hell do you want?


----------



## Goblin

I told Scareme that monkey couldn't drive


----------



## the bloody chef

"Didn't I see you on 'COPS'? Yeah! The one where you crashed your car in the cemetery!!!"


----------



## Goblin

Apparently Pumpkin5 thought MacDonalds needed another drive thru


----------



## Evil Andrew

When certain things go missing out of the evidence room, there are sometimes certain people who might be interested in buying some of those certain things. I'm not really saying anything about anything - but - here's my cell number : )


----------



## Goblin

Would it be easier if I just pulled myself over?


----------



## the bloody chef

Where's the fire? Why? Are you lost?


----------



## Goblin

I have no idea how the chef got bloody officer


----------



## Evil Andrew

Now, which exit is that ?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Are you a real cop or just acting like one?


----------



## QueenRuby2002

Hold still so I can get your picture my friend I was texting doesn't believe I got pulled over.


----------



## Goblin

There are speed laws?


----------



## Evil Andrew

jurisdiction, baby ......


----------



## scareme

So what?


----------



## Goblin

Scareme thought the police station needed a drive thru


----------



## Moon Dog

You're a public servant right? Get me a glass of water!


----------



## Goblin

The pink elephants wanted to drive, so I let them!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

Good morning officer, my name is Edward Snowden...


----------



## Goblin

I thought you wanted to race!


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Goblin

There's a doughnut shortage!


----------



## Copchick

Make me.


----------



## Hairazor

If you want my autograph on that piece of paper it will cost you!


----------



## Goblin

Uhhhhhh.......Hairazor was showing me how she could steer with her feet!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"I'm on my way to the National Zombie Convention in Washinton D.C.!"​


----------



## Goblin

I swerved to avoid the pink elephants standing in the road!


----------



## Hairazor

My friend bet me I couldn't outrun you, I guess this means I lost!


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not walking that white line unless you put net under it.


----------



## Moon Dog

Why don't you go in the back and make us some old fashions?


----------



## Goblin

Welll........Hairazor swore the monkey could drive


----------



## Hairazor

Is everyone else too fast for you to catch?


----------



## RoxyBlue

The only registration I have is for my dog. Will that do?


----------



## Goblin

She said "Let's go for a drive through the cemetery Hon" Next thing I knew tombstones
were flying everywhere!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"Of course I can change my pants in public, officer!
The president said so!!!"​


----------



## Moon Dog

Here, hold my beer, watch this!


----------



## Evil Andrew

If you like piña coladas.....


----------



## Goblin

Don't look at me.....YOU issused her a license!


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Goblin

You'd never would've caught me if I hadn't run out of gas!


----------



## Moon Dog

How come you never hear of a doughnut shop being robbed?


----------



## Copchick

Wanna race?


----------



## Evil Andrew

Copchick said:


> Wanna race?


Extended version:

Wanna race ? I'll wait for you to take yo' mama's car home and come back with something a little faster : )


----------



## Goblin

My tail light wasn't broke till I backed into your patrol car!


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can you direct me to the nearest liquor store? I just finished my last bottle.


----------



## Moon Dog

Nawwww... those empty beer cans have been in the car for weeks!


----------



## Copchick

No Officer, she's not a prostitute! (Meanwhile it's a he)


----------



## Goblin

Everytime I hear The Foggy Mt. Breakdown I feel a chase coming on!


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.


----------



## Goblin

So the tags are expired.......it's not even my car!


----------



## Moon Dog

You wouldn't have caught up to me if it weren't for the extra weight of all the guns in the trunk


----------



## MrGrimm

I hope that's only powdered sugar on your nose


----------



## Goblin

Pull over what?


----------



## Evil Andrew

pull my finger


----------



## Goblin

Yes I siphoned the gas out of your patrol car!


----------



## Hairazor

But Officer my wife is in labor


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"Our gun is bigger than yours, officer!"​


----------



## WickedBanshee

...in reference to the tickets police sell for their benefit dances....." Do (your city) policemen have Ball's?"


----------



## Goblin

It wasn't me driving.....it was one of my split personalities


----------



## RoxyBlue

I didn't see the stop sign because I was too busy texting my friend for directions to the liquor store


----------



## Goblin

You don't see those pink elephants standing over there!


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"I guess you are safe officer, 'cause we zombies eat braaaaaaains..."​


----------



## RoxyBlue

No, I don't know how fast I was going. I left my glasses at home and I can't see a thing.


----------



## Evil Andrew




----------



## Goblin

What brakes?


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## MrGrimm

Yes officer I have been eating powdered donuts... *sniff* (wipes powder from nose)


----------



## Goblin

I didn't know you could pedal that fast!


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Goblin

I have a good reason for driving drunk officer.........I've been drinking all day!


----------



## RoxyBlue

This isn't my car, so why don't you just mail the ticket to the owner?


----------



## Moon Dog

My license? It's on the bumper man, back there!


----------



## MrGrimm

I loved getting tasered!


----------



## Goblin

My kid has a badge just like your's.......did you get it out of the same cereal too?


----------



## Evil Andrew

I'm the Evil One, in case you haven't figured it out.


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Goblin

The pink elephant said it was a two way street!


----------



## Moon Dog

Bad cop, no doughnut!


----------



## Goblin

You shouldn't have gotten in my way!


----------



## Evil Andrew

Hey - Do you wanna PARTY ?


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Goblin

You can't even drive a nail straight!


----------



## RoxyBlue

This isn't my car, so can you send the ticket to the owner instead?


----------



## Goblin

I wasn't driving, the monkey was!


----------



## PrettyGhoul

You're no fun at all (burb).


----------



## Evil Andrew

Okay, so you're probably going, "Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?" But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl. How do you like being a police officer ? I can't find my Cranberries CD. What's seven times seven? I want to do something for humanity. It's like that book I read in the 9th grade that said, "'Tis a far, far better thing doing stuff for other people.".............


----------



## Goblin

I never said the monkey was a good driver


----------



## Hairazor

So are you gonna open a donut shop when you retire?


----------



## scareme

Hey good looking, what-cha got cooking?


----------



## Evil Andrew

its legal in Colorado now ....


----------



## RoxyBlue

Are you gonna arrest me, huh? Huh? Huh? Are you gonna, like, cuff me or something, like, seriously, dude, don't you have something better to do, like, ummm, can I just go now?


----------



## scareme

You mean this isn't Colorado?


----------



## highbury

But I know Copchick...


----------



## Zurgh

No, you, sir, are under citizens arrest.


----------



## Copchick

That badge looks stupid.


----------



## scareme

If you don't even know the speed limit, how am I suppose to remember it?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I finish the bottle of whisky before stepping out of the car?


----------



## Goblin

Scareme said that stupid monkey could drive a car!


----------



## Evil Andrew

All out of whiskey - you buy, I'll fly : )


----------



## Goblin

(Holding up the keys to the patrol car) You mean these?


----------



## Hairazor

I got a badge just like that out of a crackerjack box


----------



## Copchick

Are you really a stripper and are those handcuffs real?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I fire your gun?


----------



## Goblin

My kid has a badge just like that!


----------



## Evil Andrew

This donation is only for your time and companionship.......


----------



## Goblin

Not even for a box of doughnuts?


----------



## Jackyl48

I'm not as think as you drunk I am!


----------



## Jackyl48

Officer, could you give these panties back to your wife? She left them in my car last night.


----------



## Goblin

Still got your bullet, Barney?


----------



## Jackyl48

Hey Enos where is Roscoe?


----------



## Hairazor

If you follow me home can I keep you?


----------



## Goblin

Do you have any get out jail free cards on you?


----------



## Jackyl48

What hours do you work this week, I need to spend time with your wife?


----------



## Goblin

Ever thought of moving headquarters to Dunkin Dougfhnuts?


----------



## Evil Andrew

Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?
Am I being detained ?


----------



## Jackyl48

C'mon bro...can't you let it slide?


----------



## Hairazor

Did you pull me over because you don't like the color of my car?


----------



## JesterLex

Can you wait a moment, I'm on the phone with my drug dealer.


----------



## RoxyBlue

It's not my fault. The dog wanted to drive and, since he's a service dog, I thought it would be okay.


----------



## Frightmaster-General

"I am commandeering your..." *HIPS* "...vehicle!!!"


----------



## Moon Dog

Bout time you caught up!


----------



## RoxyBlue

But I was only going one way.


----------



## Hairazor

Wait till I tell Copchick you are picking on me


----------



## Evil Andrew

Don't you know who I am ??


----------



## Moon Dog

What's a drivers license?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Obeying traffic laws is for sissies


----------



## ATLfun

I was on my way to see your wife.


----------



## Goblin

Why were YOU following me at 95 mph?


----------



## kauldron

If you play with that radar gun for too long will you go blind?


----------



## Evil Andrew

Prolonged exposure to radar gun emissions causes impotence. I see you've been on traffic duty a long time.........


----------



## Goblin

You never would of caught me if I hadn't had a flat tire!


----------



## DocK

Congratulations, you're the first one who could catch me!


----------



## Goblin

Can I burn rubber now?


----------



## DocK

When they put their head in the car and say: your car smells like alcohol...
you reply: That's strange, it didn't a minute ago...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Speed limits are against my religion


----------



## Goblin

Hairazor assured me the monkey was a good driver!


----------



## RoxyBlue

May I offer you a drink? I can't finish what I have in the car.


----------



## Moon Dog

Please don't look in the trunk, please don't look in the trunk...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Well, yes, officer, it does kind of smell like weed in here, but I wasn't smoking anything, seriously, I picked up a hitchhiker a while back and he had some and offered it to me in exchange for the ride, but I told him I didn't want it because it's against the law and all, and I'm absolutely against doing anything even remotely illegal because, you know, I'm a great supporter of the police and respect the law, so he got all snippy with me and smoked some in my car even though I told him it would look suspicious if I got pulled over, but he did it anyway, and laughed at me the whole time, too, then saw your car off in the distance and screamed at me to pull over and let him out, which I did, and that made me all nervous and upset, which is why I missed seeing that red light and almost sideswiped you, and...and...excuse me, but you don't happen to have any chips or snacks with you, do you? I've got the munchies.


----------



## Monk

Driver's License and registration? Here, hold my beer.


----------



## Moon Dog

How many beers can you drink and still drive?


----------



## Goblin

Hairazor swore the monkey knew how to drive!


----------



## Moon Dog

How much trouble would I be in if you knew I was driving drink, hypothetically of course...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Of course I know it's a one way street, Officer, and I was only going one way! Geez, you must think I'm an idiot or something.


----------



## Monk

Your eyes appear glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?


----------



## Moon Dog

So, just how much marijuana is considered a felony?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Hello, Officer, my name is Elwood P Dowd. Here, let me give you one of my cards. Now if you should ever want to call me, call me at this number. Don't call me at that one, that's the old one. Hmmm? What's that you say? An illegal left turn? Oh, that wasn't me, I wasn't driving. Harvey was driving, so you can ask him about that.


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm late for delivering this bomb


----------



## Hairazor

Back up I'm gonna hurl


----------



## Moon Dog

You want a hit of this?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Is that your badge? I can't tell because I don't have my glasses with me and I can't see a damn thing without them.


----------



## Moon Dog

Why no officer, drinking not haven't I... HIC!


----------



## Hairazor

Hey, you got a light? I can't seem to keep my joint lit


----------



## Goblin

Drunk? I have you know I had Tee Martoonies


----------



## Moon Dog

Have you put on weight since I saw you yesterday?


----------



## RoxyBlue

That uniform makes you look fat.


----------



## Moon Dog

Sorry about your shoes... guess I shouldn't have had those last twenty shots...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I ride in the front of the squad car so I can use the radio?


----------



## Goblin

How did you pedal your patrol car fast enough to keep up with me?


----------



## Moon Dog

Just how many grams are in a car load?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Where I come from, there are no traffic rules. Where's that? Um, the planet Venus, yep, that's it. Venus.


----------



## Moon Dog

Nice day for street race isn't it?


----------



## RoxyBlue

It's not my fault! My brother said I should multiply the posted speed limit by 2 and then go that fast and only a sissy would be afraid to do that.


----------



## Moon Dog

You want a hit off of this?


----------



## Goblin

Moon Dog said to give him the wheel......so I ripped it off and gave it to him!


----------



## Moon Dog

Stop following me!!


----------



## RoxyBlue

Do you think your wife would like to go out with me?


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna buy some naked pictures of your wife?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can you point me in the direction of St Elizabeths? I'm late for my meds.


----------



## Goblin

Did I see you? I hit ya didn't I?


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna buy some weed?


----------



## Goblin

Moon Dog let the monkey drive blindfolded!


----------



## Moon Dog

He was more sober than I am...


----------



## Goblin

The monkey was our designated driver........and even he wasn't sober!


----------



## Moon Dog

But the blind guy was sober so we let him drive...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Well, yes, I was driving a bit fast, but I was in hot pursuit of Moon Dog, Goblin, the monkey, and the blind guy in the car ahead of me because they took the bag of cash I just stole from the bank up the street.


----------



## Goblin

Well........Roxy wanted the money back....... and the monkey had spent it on bananas.......and the blind guy just wanted to burn rubber........and Moon Dog just covered his eyes and started screaming!


----------



## Moon Dog

I wanted to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers


----------



## RoxyBlue

Did you become a cop because you weren't good enough to be a fireman?


----------



## Goblin

where can I get a uniform like that?


----------



## Hairazor

Ohhhh look a shiny badge, can I see my reflection in it?


----------



## RoxyBlue

My dad's a judge, so I have, um, diplomatic immunity. Yeah, that's right, immunity.


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not signing for that ticket


----------



## RoxyBlue

When we get to the station, can I fill out an application for employment? I'd sure love to have a job where all I had to do was write tickets and annoy people all day by driving slow in the fast lane and they're too scared to pass me 'cause I'm a cop.


----------



## Goblin

Roxy said a one way street meant you drive in the direction the arrow was pointing!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna buy naked pictures of your wife?


----------



## Goblin

Pay no attention to those muffled screams coming from the trunk!


----------



## Moon Dog

Nevermind the blood


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't have a license because I'm a vampire and my picture won't show on it. It's kind of like that mirror thing....


----------



## Goblin

Will you just get out of the way?


----------



## Moon Dog

My license, it's on the bumper man, back there...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can you hurry it up? I'm late for my Anti-Law Enforcement meeting.


----------



## Moon Dog

Have you gained weight?


----------



## Goblin

Give me back my doughnuts!


----------



## Hairazor

Stand back I think I'm gonna hurl, ghaaaah


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I didn't do it...wait...what?


----------



## Goblin

Where's your bullet, Barney?


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I borrow your patrol car? My tire went flat when I hit that mailbox.


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not walking that white line unless you put a net under it


----------



## Goblin

Well......Moon Dog was playing with his radio......Roxy was hitting
mailboxs.........so that's how I wound up driving from the backseat!


----------



## Moon Dog

Catch me if you can!


----------



## RoxyBlue

It's not my fault. Goblin was trying to drive from the backseat and I had to punch his lights out, which made me not see that red light.


----------



## Goblin

Unfortunately. she missed the red light but managed to hit the blue one!


----------



## Moon Dog

Let me see your license and registration


----------



## RoxyBlue

My mother told me never to talk to strangers and, since I don't know you, just shut up and let me get on with my life.


----------



## Halloween Jokes

Nice Halloween costume you have there. Would you like a treat young man?


----------



## Goblin

My car has one of those flashing blue lights on it too.........want it back?


----------



## Halloween Jokes

So what is you cop prank channel on youtube kid?


----------



## Goblin

Roxy bet me I couldn't drive blindfolded!


----------



## Moon Dog

Are you going to the party too?


----------



## Hairazor

Tag!! You're it!!


----------



## Moon Dog

Oh, miles per hour... I thought that meant revolutions per minute!


----------



## Goblin

The rockets misfired again!


----------



## Moon Dog

How could I have been driving? I'm in the back seat?


----------



## Halloween Jokes

Wow are you all this ugly in this dimension!


----------



## Moon Dog

Okay, best two outta three?


----------



## Hairazor

Wait till I post this pic of your angry face on Facebook


----------



## RoxyBlue

I never learned to drive, so how am I supposed to know when I'm doing it wrong?


----------



## Goblin

License?


----------



## Moon Dog

What? Those empty beer cans have been in the back for months, even the one still in my hand


----------



## Goblin

We were following the trail of empty beer cans!


----------



## RoxyBlue

(tapping heels) There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home....Hey, why are you still here?


----------



## Goblin

I don't why they let the scarecrow drive! Everybody knows he doesn't have a brain!


----------



## Moon Dog

Bet you can't even smell the alcohol on my breath can you?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Dammit, you made me spill my beer. Now I have to open another six pack!


----------



## Halloween Jokes

Can you hold this open bottle of beer so I can clean up all of this other bottles in the front seat champ!


----------



## Goblin

You can keep that jug of moonshine. I have six more in the trunk!


----------



## Moon Dog

If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave its hind end and teach it to walk backwards


----------



## PrettyGhoul

You can't search my trunk without a warrant right? I mean just asking.


----------



## rottincorps

Don't worry...the donuts will still be there after your done with me.


----------



## Moon Dog

So, how many years can you get for murder? Hypothetically...


----------



## Goblin

Well I know the gun's not loaded now!


----------



## Moon Dog

This was a pit stop, bye!


----------



## Fiend4Halloween

My client, Michael Vick, asked me to inquire about your K9 friend.


----------



## RoxyBlue

If you're so brave, how come it takes three of you to pull me over? What do you mean, there's only one of you?


----------



## Goblin

Oh, did I mention I was color blind and drunk?


----------



## RoxyBlue

You aren't the boss of me!


----------



## Goblin

I taught myself how to drive.........why do you ask?


----------



## Hairazor

Sooo, this little license thing of which you speak, where would a person get one?


----------



## Goblin

Let's see what DashCamPro says............Awwwww who had it turned toward the back seat?


----------



## Moon Dog

Aren't you a public servant? Get me a drink...


----------



## Goblin

Is it all right if I store my drugs in your trunk?


----------



## Moon Dog

Let's switch cars!


----------



## Goblin

Wanna race?


----------



## Moon Dog

What planet is this?


----------



## Fiend4Halloween

Officer, I gave this guy $60 for pot but it sucks. Will you get my money back?


----------



## Goblin

Why do you call it a nightstick when it's daytime?


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not as think as you drunk I am!


----------



## RoxyBlue

All those guns in the back seat are for snipe hunting.


----------



## Moon Dog

No, that wasn't my picture on the top ten wanted poster...


----------



## Goblin

When the sign said "Speed checked by Radar" I thought it meant the guy on Mash!


----------



## Moon Dog

Let me see your license and registration


----------



## Goblin

I know karate.......and 20 other Japenese words!


----------



## Moon Dog

I thought you were bringing my ex-wife back to me...


----------



## Goblin

Moon Dog said:


> I thought you were bringing my ex-wife back to me...


Well I don't want her either!


----------



## RoxyBlue

Will you marry me?


----------



## Moon Dog

What about all the empty beer cans? They've (hic) damn...


----------



## Goblin

Well I never said I could drive!


----------



## Moon Dog

Time to take it out of first gear...


----------



## Goblin

Red means go, right?


----------



## Moon Dog

Sorry, I'm colorblind...


----------



## Goblin

I didn't know a car could do Warp 9!


----------



## Moon Dog

Oh yeah?!? Let's go to the dashcam pro!


----------



## Goblin

Roxy, Hairazor, and Moon Dog challenged me to a drag race!


----------



## Moon Dog

Really? A car is supposed to have four wheels instead of just three?


----------



## Goblin

You'll never catch me in that Flintstone car you're driving!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna compare guns?


----------



## Goblin

I was not drunk! I just went off the road to avoid a head on collision with my inspection sticker is all!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna buy some weed dude?


----------



## Goblin

I ave no idea what Weed Dude is Officer, or why he's selling it!


----------



## RoxyBlue

Does your mother know you harass people for a living?


----------



## Goblin

I never tell a lie officer............except when the truth don't work!


----------



## Hairazor

I bet I can shoot a lit cigarette out of your mouth if you lend me your gun


----------



## Moon Dog

I thought you said you didn't want to come back out here this evening?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I have your shoes? I need something to put cement into for a neighbor who's really annoying.


----------



## Lord Homicide

Oh hell I can can't get out, you get in. Here let me move those bottles out of your way


----------



## scareme

I pay your salary.


----------



## Goblin

Doesn't matter. It's not even my car to start with!


----------



## Moon Dog

What blood?


----------



## Goblin

Wanna a drinkypoo?


----------



## Moon Dog

There's that gun...


----------



## Goblin

Of course that's my 2016 driver's license! Everybody always telling me I look 19!


----------



## Hairazor

Where's Copchick? She'll vouch for me


----------



## Moon Dog

So, you come here often?


----------



## Goblin

If they had gotten out of the way I wouldn't have run them off the road!


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger


----------



## Goblin

The steering wheel came off!


----------



## Moon Dog

What brakes? Who needs them?


----------



## RoxyBlue

You smell funny. Did you just bust a meth lab or do you work in one?


----------



## Goblin

You're on stake out? You don't happen to have an extra steak, do you?


----------



## Moon Dog

Nano-nano, shazbat!


----------



## RoxyBlue

I'm not taking that ticket. It has germs!


----------



## Goblin

That's not even my car!


----------



## Moon Dog

I look like the guy on the wanted poster? I get that all the time from you guys!


----------



## Goblin

You mean this "get of Jail free" card isn't any good?


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## Goblin

Well you told me to stop! Shouldn't you have done the same?


----------



## Moon Dog

Tag! You're it!


----------



## Goblin

I wasn't to drunk to stop........the brakes just don't work!


----------



## Moon Dog

You wanna hit off of this?


----------



## Haunted Spider

oh you have a gun, want to see mine?


----------



## Goblin

Can I have one of them blue flashing light thingy's too?


----------



## Moon Dog

Tag, you're it!


----------



## Goblin

Do you know the way to San Jose?


----------



## RoxyBlue

(waving hand in cryptic manner) I am not the speeder you were looking for...


----------



## Goblin

Brakes? I was having a hard enough time putting the steering wheel back on!


----------



## Moon Dog

Which way to Mexico?


----------



## Hairazor

Is that swirling blue light like a K-Mart Blue Light Special?


----------



## Moon Dog

Are you going to the party too?


----------



## Goblin

I was trying out my new automatic pilot!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna hit off of this?


----------



## Goblin

That's how he got the name "Rear End Frisbee!"


----------



## Moon Dog

You think I've been smoking weed because my eyes are red? Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?


----------



## scareme

^^^ Ha Ha!

I've been checking out Google and I know my rights, so don't try to pull any fast ones on me. I also learned to wire my house, set my own broken leg and raise chickens. Where were we without Google?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Hang on, I need to finish this text message to my dealer.


----------



## Moon Dog

You show me your license and registration...


----------



## Zurgh

Can you hold this bag of loot and this kidnapped orphan while I grab my gun? My arms are a little full.


----------



## Moon Dog

Sorry about your shoes... (urp!)


----------



## Goblin

I was trying out the new jet engine I installed!


----------



## Moon Dog

What planet is this?


----------



## RoxyBlue

My friend told me that when you drive your car backwards down the highway really fast, the tires sound like they're saying "Paul is dead", and I was just trying to prove what a liar he is.


----------



## Goblin

So THAT was what Roxy was doing!


----------



## Moon Dog

Will you guys stop pulling me over? Ten times in ten miles is a little ridiculous...


----------



## Goblin

My name? Joe Friday.


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna race again?


----------



## Hairazor

You wouldn't have caught me if I hadn't slowed down when I spilled my beer in my lap


----------



## Moon Dog

What?!?


----------



## RoxyBlue

The heroin isn't in my possession. It's on the back seat where I can't reach it.


----------



## Moon Dog

Just how many guns make a felony?


----------



## Goblin

My name? Matt Dillion.


----------



## Moon Dog

How's your wife and my kid?


----------



## RoxyBlue

^Ha!

Luke, I am your father. These are not the droids you're looking for. May the force be with you - police force, get it? Get it?


----------



## Goblin

The monkey's foot couldn't reach the brake pedal!


----------



## Moon Dog

Where do you keep the nuclear wessels?


----------



## Goblin

Tell the guy I stold the car from that their brake lights out!


----------



## Moon Dog

I'll have two cheeseburgers...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Do you have an empty beer can in your car? The ones in mine are full and I need to pee again.


----------



## scareme

Here, hold my joint while I look for my license.


----------



## Goblin

Of course it's my license. That's how I used to look before plastic surgery!


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## Goblin

Now you try on my handcuffs!


----------



## Moon Dog

You wouldn't have caught me if I hadn't ran out of gas


----------



## RoxyBlue

I can't talk to you right now. I'm trying to read this text about how to drive a stick shift.


----------



## Hairazor

Are you too sissy to go after the guy that zoomed past me?


----------



## Goblin

Hairazor wanted to show everybody how she could drive with her feet!


----------



## Moon Dog

Yo mama's license...


----------



## lewlew

My daddy's a congressman...


----------



## Goblin

What lug nuts?


----------



## Moon Dog

What? Those beer cans have been there for weeks...


----------



## Hairazor

I was trying to get home before the storm started


----------



## Moon Dog

Hey hey, you you, get off of my cloud


----------



## RoxyBlue

Hey (hic), I've never seen twins working as cops before (hic). What do you (hic) mean, there's only one of you?


----------



## Goblin

I didn't have time to worry about no brakes after the steering wheel came off!


----------



## Moon Dog

I just thought of something really funny, your mama!


----------



## Goblin

I'm on my way to Haddonfield, Illionois! They can't have Halloween without me!
I'm the life of the party! My name? Just call me Micheal.....everybody does!


----------



## Moon Dog

It's 106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas and a half a pack of cigarettes


----------



## Gruenenfelder

"But all my friends always say marijuana isn't a drug..."


----------



## Moon Dog

You wanna hit off of this?


----------



## Goblin

Wanna race?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I was speeding?!? What about that other guy, huh? Why don't you go pull him over? Why are you picking on me? You think I deserve to be pulled over? You got nothing better to do with your time than harass me? Can't a guy drive in piece without having some do-gooder cop bother him? What are those, handcuffs? So you think you're man enough to put those on me. Well, let me tell you....AAARRGGHHH (sound of taser).


----------



## Gruenenfelder

"Okay, a guy comes speeding by and almost hits me with my kid in the car. You don't pull him over?! And I run him off the road into a ditch, and somehow I'm the bad guy?!"


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not walking that white line unless you put a net under it


----------



## Goblin

It's not my fault! I saw two steering wheels and grabbed the wrong one!


----------



## Moon Dog

I'll have two cheeseburgers, large order of fries...


----------



## Halloween Jokes

Sorry I didn't know I was scaring people with my clown costume


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two outta three?


----------



## fogkeebler

You only pulled me over because you watched me pull out of the donut shop parking lot and thought i would be nice. Boy were you wrong.


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## Frightmaster-General




----------



## Moon Dog

What banging in the trunk? I don't hear anything...


----------



## RoxyBlue

That's oil leaking, not blood. Really, it's oil.


----------



## Moon Dog

What do you mean what's that smell?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I take a selfie with you? I need an alibi......


----------



## Moon Dog

I let you catch me...


----------



## Goblin

Can I sit in the front seat this time?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I have your shoes? I can't afford a boat but those are big enough to rig a sail to.


----------



## Goblin

I just wanted to drive an ice cream truck, that's all!


----------



## Moon Dog

How's it going Mike?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't have time for this. I have a delivery to make to Melvin the Mangler.


----------



## Moon Dog

You can't do near as much to me as my supplier can...


----------



## Goblin

Aren't the flashing blue lights pretty!


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm late, I'm late for a very important date...


----------



## RoxyBlue

If I talk to you, the Red Queen will have my head chopped off!


----------



## Goblin

Now you see why I won't let Roxy and Moon Dog drive!


----------



## Moon Dog

Hurry up, the liquor store closes in fifteen minutes!


----------



## RoxyBlue

Dammit, you made me drop my...my...um, prescription medication.


----------



## Goblin

Yes sir......and you can run your car off of it too!


----------



## Moon Dog

I don't smell any weed...


----------



## Goblin

What hockey mask and machete?


----------



## Moon Dog

What do you mean I'm going the wrong way?


----------



## Goblin

I told Roxy not to drive with her feet!


----------



## Moon Dog

Him? He's just sleeping, yeah that's it... sleeping...


----------



## Goblin

I never said the monkey was a good driver!


----------



## Moon Dog

Go get me a doughnut...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Dammit, you spoiled my chances of breaking the world record for driving as fast as possible backwards while texting on the phone and drinking scotch!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna hit off of this?


----------



## Goblin

Tag! You're it!


----------



## Moon Dog

About time you caught up


----------



## RoxyBlue

You made me spill my drink.


----------



## Moon Dog

Hurry up, the liquor and the gun store are about to close


----------



## Goblin

Were you following me?


----------



## Moon Dog

Why didn't I pull over sooner? I didn't know it was me you were chasing...


----------



## RoxyBlue

I can't stop now, I have a space flight to Jupiter to catch.


----------



## Moon Dog

Do you come here often?


----------



## Goblin

I hope I don't make the same mistake on my driving test!


----------



## Hairazor

Can I give you a lift?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I shink I drank too mush, 'm feelin' shloppy


----------



## Moon Dog

Why is there two of everything?


----------



## RoxyBlue

What's this "driver's license" you speak of?


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger than yours...


----------



## Goblin

I let Chuck, my imaginary friend drive


----------



## Lord Homicide

^ there is supposed to be a comma after friend officer.


----------



## Moon Dog

Bout time you caught up...


----------



## Goblin

Think you can keep up this time?


----------



## Moon Dog

Break time's over...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Stick 'em up!


----------



## Goblin

Wanna race?


----------



## Moon Dog

I know you are but what am I?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Give me a ticket and I'll tell Santa to put you on the naughty list! I have connections, you know! And wait until Easter - you think those will be jelly beans in your basket?!?


----------



## Goblin

What brakes?


----------



## Moon Dog

How'd this doughnut get under my license?


----------



## Hairazor

I bet the bullets in my gun are bigger than the bullets in your gun


----------



## RoxyBlue

I bet I can walk a straight line better than you can, you out of shape civil servant.


----------



## Moon Dog

Are you going to the pot party too?


----------



## Lord Homicide

It's legal here...


----------



## Goblin

You dropped your bullet Barney


----------



## Moon Dog

How do you get blood stains out of carpet?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't have time to listen to you. My time is way more valuable than yours.


----------



## Hairazor

I thought that sign that said 55 mph was the highway I was on


----------



## Moon Dog

Wow, are you ever ugly?!?


----------



## Goblin

I borrowed one of your tires


----------



## Moon Dog

Is that a gun in your pants or are you happy to see me?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I let the dog drive because he's a trained service animal plus he can see much better than I can.


----------



## Goblin

I told Roxy not to let the dog drive!


----------



## Lord Homicide

But officer... Isn't Toonces adorable?


----------



## Goblin

Wanna buy an alligator?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I swerved and hit the mail box because some dude released a blue alligator in the road right in front of me.


----------



## Moon Dog

Why are there three of you?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I am not the traffic offender you were looking for......


----------



## Moon Dog

What's that over there? See ya!


----------



## Lord Homicide

Didn't I see you "out of uniform" on a balcony at Mardi Gras?


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Will a twenty get me out of a ticket?


----------



## Moon Dog

How'd that doughnut get there?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I can't take that ticket. I'm allergic to paper.


----------



## Hairazor

It'll cost you $20.00 for my autograph on your little piece of paper


----------



## Moon Dog

I thought you were bringing my ex back to me.


----------



## RoxyBlue

You smell funny and I don't like you.


----------



## Moon Dog

Now what?


----------



## Lord Homicide

Now listen here oink


----------



## Goblin

I have a stroke and they all go hog wild!


----------



## Moon Dog

Break time's over, back to racing


----------



## RoxyBlue

You can't give me a ticket. I'm not a licensed driver.


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger...


----------



## Lord Homicide

Your gun is digging into my hip.


----------



## Moon Dog

What finger on the floor?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I'm not walking a straight line for you. I've taken a sacred vow to only go in circles and zigzags.


----------



## Moon Dog

If my dog was as ugly as you...


----------



## Goblin

If I was diving That fast how di you manage to catch me?


----------



## Moon Dog

Why are there three of you?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Do you have a barf bag in your car? That beer and wine I had for dinner isn't sitting well.


----------



## Moon Dog

No, I have no idea why you pulled me over, could it be the body in the trunk?


----------



## Goblin

Roxy got her license out of a box of Cracker jacks......See how her picture flickers!


----------



## Moon Dog

Do you have a shovel?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I had to drive really fast because Goblin stole my Cracker Jacks license and I didn't want you to catch me before I caught him.


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?!?


----------



## Goblin

they told me not to drive after thee stroke!


----------



## Moon Dog

I couldn't walk that line even if I was sober...


----------



## Goblin

I swerved to avoid some drunk walking a white line!


----------



## Moon Dog

What planet is this?


----------



## Hairazor

Can you hurry this up? I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open


----------



## Goblin

I was test driving my new tank


----------



## Moon Dog

Have you seen the murder convention around here somewhere?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Got a cup I can pee in? That six pack of beers is just running through me.


----------



## Moon Dog

So, where's a good secluded place to dig a hole around here?


----------



## RoxyBlue

And while we're at it, can I borrow your gun? I don't think the dude I'm going to bury is entirely dead, and I want to be humane about it.


----------



## Moon Dog

How's your wife and my kid?


----------



## Lord Homicide

Moon Dog said:


> How's your wife and my kid?


 lmao!


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can you go away now? I need to slip into warp speed so I can get to Jupiter in time for the space speedsters convention.


----------



## Goblin

He's not dead.....He just likes to ride in the trunk!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna beer?


----------



## Hairazor

No thank you, I don't give autographs


----------



## RoxyBlue

I'm not signing anything until you hand over your wallet and gun. I could use those handcuffs, too.


----------



## Moon Dog

Come here often?


----------



## Goblin

Wanna race?


----------



## Moon Dog

(In the best Joey from Friends voice)

How you doin'?!?


----------



## RoxyBlue

You're ugly and so's your police dog.


----------



## Goblin

wHat brakes?


----------



## Moon Dog

Where's the exit for Mars?


----------



## Hairazor

Got anything to eat? Smoking weed gives me the munchies


----------



## Goblin

was I supposed to stop?


----------



## Moon Dog

You need four wheels on a car? Who knew?


----------



## RoxyBlue

It's not my fault! Siri told me to make a U-turn through that red light!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna swap cars and have another go at it?


----------



## Goblin

Can I get an uniform like that?


----------



## Moon Dog

I thought you said you didn't want to come back out here tonight...


----------



## Goblin

I got a get out of jail free card!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna hit off of this?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I had to swerve because there was a unicorn crossing the road.


----------



## Moon Dog

But the voices told me to do it


----------



## Goblin

Roxy said the monkey could drive a straight gear


----------



## Moon Dog

Can't sleep, clown will eat me...


----------



## RoxyBlue

You smell funny. Have you been smoking the weed you confiscated from me last week?


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not as think as you drunk I am...


----------



## Goblin

Well it is my fault. thy said moon Dog couldn't even drive a nail straight!


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not walking that white line unless you put a net under it


----------



## RoxyBlue

Does your mother know you harass innocent drivers for a living?


----------



## Goblin

What can I say? I bought the car at the circus from a bunch of clowns!


----------



## Moon Dog

How'd that doughnut get there?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't know where the registration is. I think it's in the wallet of the guy who owns the car, and he's, ummm, not here....


----------



## Moon Dog

My license? Its on the bumper man back there...


----------



## Goblin

Roxy was trying to avoid a head on collision with her inspection sticker!


----------



## Moon Dog

Last call told me I didn't have to go home but I couldn't stay there


----------



## Goblin

the monkey doesn't know how to work the turn signal


----------



## Moon Dog

You going to the party too?


----------



## RoxyBlue

License and registration? What's that?


----------



## Goblin

The monkey wants to be s State Trooper


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm out of bullets, can I borrow some of yours?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Hostile alien approaching! Beam me up, Scotty!


----------



## Goblin

My car won't do Warp 12


----------



## Moon Dog

How do you get blood stains out of clothes?


----------



## Goblin

Look out! The monkey' got a gun!


----------



## Moon Dog

Can I get some free drugs from you evidence room?


----------



## Goblin

how did you manage to keep up with me?


----------



## Moon Dog

You wouldn't have caught me if it weren't for the extra weight of all the dead bodies...


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't have time to talk to you. I have to get back to my coffin before the sun comes up.


----------



## Goblin

I wasn't speeding...........my car was!


----------



## Moon Dog

I was looking at the tach not the speedometer


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't think you're very good at your job. Maybe you should apply to be a Walmart greeter or something.


----------



## Moon Dog

What the heck do you want?!?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't believe we've met properly. Would you like to meet improperly?


----------



## Moon Dog

So, why did the murderer cross the road


----------



## Goblin

Can I chase you now?


----------



## Moon Dog

Your wife says hello...


----------



## Lord Homicide

^lmao! Good one. 

I'm looking forward to the cavity search.


----------



## Goblin

I old you the zombies learned how to drive!


----------



## Moon Dog

But the blind guy was the only sober one enough to drive...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I sit on the hood of your car? I was a hood ornament in a previous life.


----------



## Moon Dog

Did you have any children that lived?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I think I met your father on cell block 9....


----------



## Goblin

I hav no idea who's car it is


----------



## Moon Dog

So, you come here often?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't know what's uglier, your shoes or your face.


----------



## Goblin

somebody taught the monkey to steal cars


----------



## Moon Dog

Why don't we get of off moms, I just got off of yours


----------



## scareme

I really like the comb over. No-one can tell you're bald on top.


----------



## Goblin

I liked the flashing blue light so much I got me one.........YOUR'S!


----------



## Moon Dog

You show me your license and registration!


----------



## Hairazor

I call Shotgun


----------



## Goblin

I was trying to see if the brakes worked before I ran into you


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna beer?


----------



## RoxyBlue

You're not the boss of me!


----------



## Goblin

Roxy swore she was a good driver!


----------



## Moon Dog

Ok, my turn to chase you!


----------



## RoxyBlue

Moon Dog says you're a poopyface


----------



## Goblin

Hairazor flattened your tires!


----------



## Moon Dog

Goblin is stealing your cruiser


----------



## Goblin

Moon Dog said:


> Goblin is stealing your cruiser


I always wanted me one of these!


----------



## Moon Dog

Is that gun loaded, because mine is


----------



## Goblin

Moon dog is more loaded than his gun!


----------



## Moon Dog

Your mother says hello


----------



## RoxyBlue

Do you have a twenty on you, ' cause I need more beer.


----------



## Goblin

Roxy's buying the beer!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna buy some weed?


----------



## Goblin

I jut sold your patrol car on Ebay!


----------



## Moon Dog

What planet is this?


----------



## Goblin

Ya'll gonna let those little green men get away with that?


----------



## Moon Dog

Like my spaceship?


----------



## Goblin

I was only doing Warp 11!


----------



## Moon Dog

This is the third time you've stopped me tonight, do you have a thing for me?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Hang on a second, the bags of cash just spilled on the floor.


----------



## Moon Dog

How do you get blood out of carpet?


----------



## Goblin

My car is stolen? Who stole it?


----------



## Moon Dog

What do you want?!?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Dunkin Donuts just put out an APB for you.


----------



## Goblin

Were you following me?


----------



## RoxyBlue

if I weren't so drunk, I could prove that I'm a better driver than you are.


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two out of three?


----------



## RoxyBlue

You interrupted my transcendental meditation session.


----------



## Moon Dog

I could train a monkey to do your job...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!


----------



## Goblin

You drive a Flintstone car, don't you?


----------



## Moon Dog

Your mother sews socks that smell


----------



## RoxyBlue

I'd suggest you take a DNA test to prove you're a Neanderthal if I weren't already so sure you are.


----------



## Moon Dog

I found the missing link and it's you!


----------



## RoxyBlue

The zoo called - it's your feeding time.


----------



## Moon Dog

Is that a gun in your pants or are you happy to see me?


----------



## Goblin

Roxy was driving the get away car!


----------



## Moon Dog

How about I give you $100 to forget the whole thing?


----------



## Hairazor

I was supposed to bring a date, wanna be it


----------



## RoxyBlue

I bet you have a brother who's smarter and better looking than you are.


----------



## Moon Dog

Didn't I see your picture on a wanted poster?


----------



## Goblin

That's not my car


----------



## Moon Dog

I'll have two cheeseburgers...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Do I get fries with that ticket?


----------



## Goblin

Did I run over your foot?


----------



## Moon Dog

Why are you bothering me?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Obeying the law is against my religion


----------



## Goblin

The monkey hasn't learned about traffic lights yet


----------



## Moon Dog

I heard the doughnut shop is being robbed, if you hurry, you might just catch them!


----------



## Hairazor

Today is national donut day, I thought you would be at Dunkin's


----------



## RoxyBlue

(hitting horn repeatedly) Does this bug you, does this bug you, does this bug you, does this bug you?


----------



## Moon Dog

Won't this get out of jail free card work?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I'm not goin' nowhere 'til you buy me another drink.


----------



## Goblin

I have a huntng license, will that do?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Man, your breath is _really_ bad!


----------



## Goblin

I'm on patrol too


----------



## Moon Dog

You look like the guy that's in a picture on my girlfriends nightstand.


----------



## RoxyBlue

You can't arrest me! I got a flu shot today so I have immunity!


----------



## Moon Dog

This is not the speeder you're looking for...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I go now? My dealer gets really crabby when I'm late.


----------



## Hairazor

If you follow me home, can I keep you?


----------



## Moon Dog

Why are you following me?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Are you sure you're a cop? You have a bad stuttering problem.


----------



## Moon Dog

Your place or mine?


----------



## RoxyBlue

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! Pbbbbttthhhhhhh!


----------



## Moon Dog

All those empty beer cans have been there for a week


----------



## scareme

^^ lol

KMA


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Yes I saw the red light but I was in a hurry.


----------



## Goblin

There goes my inurance rates again


----------



## Moon Dog

Bad cop, no doughnut!


----------



## Goblin

Wanna race to Dunkin Doughnuts?


----------



## Moon Dog

Isn't there a Dunkin Doughnuts being robbed somewhere?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I'll get you for this!!


----------



## Goblin

I thought you said don't drive when I drink


----------



## Moon Dog

How many times are you guys going to pull me over tonight?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I had to speed because my goldfish is sick and I have to get him to the vet. Where's the goldfish? Umm, I guess he must have fallen out of the bowl or something when I took that last turn at 85 through a red light......


----------



## Goblin

THAT fast, huh?


----------



## Moon Dog

I can go faster...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Race you to the cop station!


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Don't you have anything better to do than harass a law abiding citizen?!


----------



## Moon Dog

You pulled me over looking like that?


----------



## Goblin

Were you following me again?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't have time for this. I've got to get this car to the detailing shop before the blood dries permanently on the floor mats.


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Are you freaking kidding me?!! That guy in front of me was going way faster than I was, twice as fast even. This is harassment, gimme your badge number!!


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## RoxyBlue

(Offering a handful of Monopoly money) Can you see your way clear to letting this go?


----------



## Lord Homicide

Yes occifer...


----------



## Moon Dog

Quick! Look over there! (drives off)


----------



## Goblin

I'll tell the one I stole from that their tail lights broken


----------



## Moon Dog

What???!!!???


----------



## PrettyGhoul

You're looking a little pudgy there officer, maybe it's time to lay off the krispy kremes.


----------



## Moon Dog

Do you know who I am?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Will a couple of C-notes make this go away?


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two out of three?


----------



## RoxyBlue

How much did you have to pay to get a passing grade on the police exam?


----------



## Moon Dog

Quick! Look over there! (drives away)


----------



## PrettyGhoul

How much longer are you planning on annoying me??!


----------



## Moon Dog

You wouldn't have caught me if I hadn't ran out of gas...


----------



## Goblin

Roxy did it!


----------



## Moon Dog

Go guard a doughnut shop


----------



## Goblin

The A/C broke and I was driving fast to cool off manaually!


----------



## Moon Dog

Go bother a non tax payer...


----------



## Goblin

The driving instructor didn't like me doing it either!


----------



## Moon Dog

It wasn't me... I'm innocent


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Isn't pot legal now?


----------



## Moon Dog

Why are there triplets of you?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Hold out your gun so I can stick a flower in the barrel, okay?


----------



## Moon Dog

If I had a dog as ugly as you...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Your K-9 smells a lot better than you do, and that's not saying much since he stinks, too.


----------



## PrettyGhoul

So what! I wasn't wearing my seat belt. What do you think you're going to do about it!!?


----------



## Moon Dog

I didn't even have the pedal all the way to the floor


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Beam me up Scotty!! (giggles and burb/hiccups).


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## Hairazor

Pull my finger


----------



## Moon Dog

How'd that doughnut get there?


----------



## Goblin

Roxy challenged me to a drag race


----------



## Moon Dog

So, how about I give you $100 and we forget the whole thing?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can you loan me $100 so I can bribe your dog?


----------



## Moon Dog

Tell your wife I said hello


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Bite me!


----------



## Moon Dog

Take me to your leader


----------



## Goblin

Didn't I see you? I hit you, didn't I?


----------



## Moon Dog

Can I try shooting your gun?


----------



## Goblin

Who were you chasing?


----------



## Moon Dog

I don't have to show you my license


----------



## PrettyGhoul

You're not going to look in my trunk are you!?


----------



## Lord Homicide

Laugh manically


----------



## Goblin

Stu[id monkey! It got it's turn signals mixed up


----------



## Moon Dog

Halloween isn't here yet, you can take that mask off


----------



## Goblin

I always wanted to drive a hearse!


----------



## Moon Dog

I'll chase you now


----------



## Lord Homicide

Rrrrrrrghghgghghgghgg (chewie roar)


----------



## Moon Dog

Get'em boys!


----------



## RoxyBlue

I am not the drug smuggler you were looking for.


----------



## Goblin

My gun's bigger than your gun.


----------



## Moon Dog

What say I give you this dollar and we forget the whole thing?


----------



## Hairazor

Let's flip for it, heads I win tails you lose


----------



## Goblin

Hairazor's using that 2 headed coin again!


----------



## Moon Dog

Will you guys just leave me alone?


----------



## Goblin

Pull over? Naw I never wear them!


----------



## Moon Dog

So how much is this going to cost me to get out of?


----------



## Goblin

Ha! It's not even my car!


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two out of three?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Sorry, I was too busy texting while I was applying makeup and drinking coffee to see that stop sign.


----------



## Moon Dog

Why don't you bother someone else tonight?


----------



## xredge

Can I join your daily speed trap?


----------



## Moon Dog

Want a hit off of this?


----------



## Goblin

Are you on stake out or is it a pork chop?


----------



## Moon Dog

So, you come here often?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

As long as you're not doing anything important will you change the tire?


----------



## Moon Dog

If you give me a ticket, I'll have to give you one for being a public nuisance...


----------



## Goblin

A ticket? Can I get one for the front row please?


----------



## Moon Dog

Now I'll become invisible...


----------



## RoxyBlue

No sense giving me a ticket 'cause I got no money to pay the fine. I spent it all on chains for those people I keep in my basement.


----------



## Moon Dog

Don't you have some real criminals to catch?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

But I just got a ticket for speeding an hour ago...it's not fair!


----------



## Moon Dog

Can we settle this over a doughnut?


----------



## Goblin

You're giving me a ticket? Is it for the front row?


----------



## Moon Dog

You look like the guy in my girlfriends picture


----------



## Goblin

Try to keep up with me...............


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two out of three?


----------



## Hairazor

Ohh, what's that behind you? (speeds off as officer looks)


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger...


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I keep on telling you, I didn't mean to hit you...it was nothing...just a little bump...and anyway it was your fault...you were driving very, very slow. If I were you I'd be embarrassed to give me a ticket.


----------



## Goblin

PrettyGhoul wanted to show me how she could pop a wheelie with a tractor trailer truck.
As you can see by the debris it didn't turn out too well!


----------



## Moon Dog

Where did I come from? Mars...


----------



## PrettyGhoul

(After getting pulled over for speeding) "Now I know why no one can ever find a cop when they need one....they're all hiding behind bushes on the highway chowing down on donuts."


----------



## Hairazor

Run they are after us!!!


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Yes, I was speeding, ran a stop sign, and grazed an ambulance before rear-ending you. Is that a problem?


----------



## Moon Dog

What do you mean I took your car home by mistake last night?


----------



## Hairazor

Can I sit in your squad car a bit, I need to throw up and don't want to get any in my car


----------



## Moon Dog

Those empty beer cans? They've been there for weeks... trust me...


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Hey man, can you hold my drink for a minute while I try and find my registration? I think it's buried somewhere under these empties.


----------



## Goblin

The clowns lost control of the car!


----------



## Moon Dog

How could have I been driving, I'm in the back seat?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

(After being pulled over for speeding) Could you just shut your yap and give me the ticket already? I'm in a hurry!


----------



## Moon Dog

Give yourself a ticket, you were going just as fast as I was to catch me!


----------



## Goblin

Serial Killer? Well I never was too fond of Captain Crunch!


----------



## Moon Dog

Your mother sews socks that smell...


----------



## PrettyGhoul

...that thumping noise from my trunk is just my spare tire rolling around. Trust me, no need to check.


----------



## Moon Dog

Give your wife Kelly a kiss for me...


----------



## Lizzyborden

So how fast was I going? The speedometer pegs out at 85!


----------



## Moon Dog

Your mother have any kids that lived?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Come on dude chill, I was going a little fast, it's not like I robbed a bank.


----------



## Lizzyborden

Want a doughnut?


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger...


----------



## Hairazor

Did you get that badge out of the Cracker Jacks box?


----------



## Moon Dog

Want a hit off of this?


----------



## Goblin

The monkey's not good with traffic signals.


----------



## Moon Dog

I'll take two cheeseburgers, an order of fries...


----------



## Lizzyborden

Hey! You look like one of the Village People!


----------



## Moon Dog

You kiss your momma with that mouth?


----------



## Goblin

I can't pedal THAT fast.


----------



## Moon Dog

Here hold this bomb...


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I'm going to make you sorry for even thinking about giving me a ticket!


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## RoxyBlue

That holster makes your butt look fat.


----------



## Moon Dog

Show me the law that says I can't drive backwards everywhere I go.


----------



## Goblin

I really thought Moon Dog could drive!


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not going to walk that white line unless you put a net under it.


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I'm not going to get out of this car until you apologize for being rude!!


----------



## Moon Dog

If you're going to hit me with logic, I don't want to chit chat


----------



## Goblin

PrettyGhoul swerved off the road to avoid a head on collision with her inspection sticker


----------



## Moon Dog

Here, hold my beer...


----------



## Goblin

Was there something amiss with my driving?


----------



## Moon Dog

I thought you said you didn't want to come back here tonight?


----------



## Johnnylee

You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise control


----------



## Moon Dog

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?


----------



## Johnnylee

‘Is this really the best use of my tax dollars?’


----------



## Moon Dog

What? Those empty beer cans have been there a week...


----------



## Johnnylee

‘My friends on the force won’t like this’


----------



## Moon Dog

About time you caught up to me...


----------



## Johnnylee

‘That guy was going way faster’


----------



## Moon Dog

Don't look in the trunk, don't look in the trunk...


----------



## Johnnylee

‘I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.’


----------



## Goblin

Can I work the siren?


----------



## Moon Dog

Bad cop, no doughnut!


----------



## Johnnylee

‘Do you know who I am?’


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I know where you live.


----------



## Goblin

PrettGhoul said it was her car


----------



## Johnnylee

‘Too bad you aren’t catching an actual criminal’


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Wanna share a joint instead of writing that ticket?


----------



## Johnnylee

Didnt your wife use to be a stripper!!


----------



## Moon Dog

You look like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand...


----------



## RoxyBlue

You're a poopyhead.


----------



## Moon Dog

What blood? I don't see any blood...


----------



## Goblin

Don't pay any attention to the shouting from the trunk


----------



## Moon Dog

What bloody knife???


----------



## Hairazor

Will you model your handcuffs for me?


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I'm going to make you sorry for this.


----------



## Moon Dog

How much explosive would it take to level a city?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Mind if I let my dog out of the car? It's looking for a pant leg to pee on.


----------



## Hairazor

Don't you need to take your hat off for a lady


----------



## Moon Dog

This is the third time tonight you guys have pulled me over


----------



## PrettyGhoul

You have a seriously bad attitude.


----------



## Moon Dog

Now what?


----------



## RoxyBlue

You're not the boss of me!


----------



## Moon Dog

You only caught me because I ran out of gas


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Go ahead, search my car...I dare you!


----------



## Moon Dog

So, hypothetically... what would happen if you found a body in the trunk?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Aw man...and I just got my license back.


----------



## Moon Dog

You're not so tough...


----------



## Zander

That thumping coming from my trunk is not a person... it’s my base system


----------



## Moon Dog

I'll have two cheeseburgers, an order of fries...


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I can't believe someone as dense as you can be a cop!


----------



## Hairazor

Did you get that badge out of a Cracker Jacks box


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not as think as you drunk I am... I'm way worse...


----------



## Hairazor

Thank goodness, an escort at last


----------



## Moon Dog

I thought you said you didn't want to come back out here tonight?


----------



## Lizzyborden

Are you related to Deputy Dawg?


----------



## Moon Dog

You're a public servant, go get me a beer...


----------



## RoxyBlue

I'm putting a video of you on YouTube! You'll be sorry you tried to ticket me!


----------



## Hairazor

Didn't I see you screwing up on the Lip Sync challenge?


----------



## Moon Dog

Where's the rest of the Village People?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

No I don't know how fast I was going, I was busy texting!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna hit off of this?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Excuse me while I take this call from my dealer.


----------



## Moon Dog

The code word is November...


----------



## Goblin

Where's your bullet, Barney?


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger...


----------



## PrettyGhoul

You remind me of Barney Fife...you aren't gonna shoot me are you?!!


----------



## Moon Dog

You look like the guy in the pictures at my girlfriend's house


----------



## RoxyBlue

Obeying the speed limit is against my religion


----------



## Moon Dog

Why are you asking me for my license? You guys took it when it was suspended, you have it already.


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not walking that white line unless you put a net under it...


----------



## RoxyBlue

Moon Dog said you're a poopy face.


----------



## Moon Dog

And he was right... 

Is that a gun in your pants or are you happy to see me?


----------



## Hairazor

Want to see if I can shoot your whirly lights out?


----------



## Moon Dog

What planet is this?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Can I see your gun?


----------



## Moon Dog

Is this the way to the pot convention?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Just between us...I think I might be a little tipsy.


----------



## Moon Dog

Did you mother dress you today?


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't care for your attitude.


----------



## Moon Dog

So, here we are again...


----------



## Hairazor

Can you write me a note for being late to work?


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two out of three?


----------



## Hairazor

If I cry like a baby will you let me go?


----------



## Moon Dog

Come here often big boy?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Do you seriously have nothing better to do than to annoy me?


----------



## Moon Dog

You didn't catch me, I ran out of gas...


----------



## RoxyBlue

I don't have time for this, I'll be late for my AA meeting


----------



## Hairazor

You're A Policeman, you should know where I can score some cheap weed


----------



## RoxyBlue

I can't take that ticket. It has cop cooties on it.


----------



## Moon Dog

I wasn't speeding, I was drafting...


----------



## Hairazor

Am I here already?


----------



## Moon Dog

Am I near the multiple drug party?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I borrow 20 bucks for some drugs?


----------



## Moon Dog

You look familiar, didn't I see you on Mars?


----------



## Goblin

Don't look in the trunk!


----------



## Moon Dog

Say hello to your wife for me!


----------



## Hairazor

You'd drive fast too if Goblin was chasing you


----------



## Moon Dog

Where can I dump this body?


----------



## Goblin

My voodoo doll obviously isn't working!


----------



## Moon Dog

Pssssst... wanna buy some drugs?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Will you walk the straight line for me? I'm feeling a little woozy right now.


----------



## Moon Dog

I'll have a cheeseburger, onion rings...


----------



## Hairazor

I have a badge just like that, did you get yours from Cracker Jacks too?


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger.


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Has anyone ever run you over trying to get away?


----------



## Hairazor

Where can I get a pair of those swirly lights for my car?


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not walking that white line unless you put a net under it


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Are you sure you didn't accidentally graduate from a clown academy instead of a police academy?


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Why don't (hic) the three of you (hic) bugger off? What do you mean (hic), there's only one of you?


----------



## Hairazor

Can I get that to go?


----------



## Moon Dog

How about you write yourself a ticket for being an a-hole?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Someone bet me I couldn't outrun a police cruiser going 100 backwards down a one way street and there was a lot of money on the line and my honor was at stake so don't you see I had to give it my best shot? Speaking of shot, I could use another drink.


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I can't believe someone as stupid as you is allowed to live.


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two out of three


----------



## Goblin

Roxy told me she was a great driver!


----------



## Moon Dog

The blind guy was driving officer because we're all drunk


----------



## Hairazor

You must be wussy to pull me, the slowest one on the road, over


----------



## Moon Dog

I let you catch me


----------



## RoxyBlue

Did your parents bribe someone to get you through cop school?


----------



## Moon Dog

Of course I was speeding, the liquor store closes in fifteen minutes...


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I'm feeling a little woozy from all the wine I had at dinner. Can you follow me home?


----------



## Hairazor

Tag, you're it


----------



## Moon Dog

I thought you said you didn't want to come back out here tonight?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

If you're so tired of seeing me, why are you here?!


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna hit off of this?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I borrow your gun? I have a really annoying neighbor I want to take care of.


----------



## Moon Dog

Will a dozen doughnuts make this go away?


----------



## PrettyGhoul

If you don't stop pulling me over all the time I'm going to sue you for harassment.

* Say, do you think this would work?


----------



## Moon Dog

Don't you have some place better to be?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Can I go now? I have a hot package to deliver and it's not, ummm, shielded.


----------



## Moon Dog

What year is this? I have to see the President.


----------



## Lizzyborden

Don't pay any attention to that annoying knocking sound coming from the trunk.


----------



## Hairazor

Those swirly lights make me sick after all the booze


----------



## Lizzyborden

You had to be speeding too in order to catch up with me.


----------



## Moon Dog

Wadda ya mean what am I doing here? What are you doing here?


----------



## Dreadmakr

This is the third time this week I've been pulled over.
Do you think I should start leaving the bar before the forth drink.


----------



## Moon Dog

You guys should give out coupons I see you so much


----------



## Dreadmakr

Just a minute. I need to put my stash away.


----------



## Hairazor

Tag, you're it


----------



## Moon Dog

Not again!


----------



## scareme

Kiss my lily white assters.


----------



## Moon Dog

How many times are you going to stop me in one night?


----------



## Hairazor

You can keep the ticket, I'm not staying for the drawing


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Okay pardner... Draw!


----------



## Hairazor

Did you get that badge out of the Cracker Jacks box?


----------



## Moon Dog

Don't look in the trunk, don't look in the trunk, don't...


----------



## Dreadmakr

Evening officer, 
(while holding the bottle out the window)
Would you like a swig


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not walking that white line unless you put a net under it.


----------



## Hairazor

Just put that ticket in this box with the rest of them


----------



## Dreadmakr

How fast was I going?
I was trying to break my record.


----------



## Moon Dog

You look like the guy in the picture at my girlfriend's place.


----------



## Dreadmakr

what speed limit?


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger


----------



## Dreadmakr

I know you pulled me over for some dumb reason, but I need to finish this call before I can listen to whatever it is


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two out of three?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Well maybe if he wasn't walking in the road, I wouldn't have hit him


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna race?


----------



## RoxyBlue

You're seriously annoying me and you smell funny.


----------



## Dreadmakr

Hey!! If you had this car, you would drive fast too.


----------



## Moon Dog

So, you come here often?


----------



## Dreadmakr

You mean you guys actually do more than eat doughnuts?


----------



## Moon Dog

You didn't catch me, I ran out of gas


----------



## Dreadmakr

I must have left my drivers license in my coat pocket at home with burglary tools.


----------



## Moon Dog

You look like the guy in my girlfriend's picture at her house


----------



## Dreadmakr

If I was sober, you would never have been able to catch me


----------



## Moon Dog

Wanna hit of this?


----------



## Hairazor

Why don't you run along now, I have places to go


----------



## Dreadmakr

Why the blazes are you bothering me?


----------



## Moon Dog

You're a public servant right? Get me a fresh glass of bourbon...


----------



## Dreadmakr

Took ya long enough to get out here.
Now fill'er up and check the oil for me while you're at it


----------



## Moon Dog

You kiss your mama with that mouth?


----------



## RoxyBlue

What do you mean, I need a license to drive?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Leave me alone...
Can't you see that I am in a hurry


----------



## Moon Dog

Shouldn't you be eating doughnuts somewhere?


----------



## Dreadmakr

May I borrow your gun?
My neighbor has been creating all kinds of trouble for me over my Halloween display


----------



## Moon Dog

What thumping from the trunk?


----------



## Hairazor

Hey, why are there three of you?


----------



## Dreadmakr

What do you want flatfoot?


----------



## Moon Dog

Hurry up, now I have to drive twice as fast to get where I'm going on time.


----------



## Dreadmakr

You didn't stop me because of that burning gas station back there did you?


----------



## Moon Dog

My gun is bigger


----------



## Dreadmakr

Where can I get a mobile light show like your's?


----------



## Moon Dog

How many of you guys are going to pull me over in one night?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Look you pee-on, you know who it is that you just pulled over?


----------



## Moon Dog

No, you show me your license and registration!


----------



## Dreadmakr

Why aren't you out chasing real criminals?


----------



## Moon Dog

Do you have any naked pictures of your wife?

Wanna buy some?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Didn't I see you sitting on the bench in the drunk tank last night?


----------



## Moon Dog

Best two out of three, this time I drive your car...


----------



## Dreadmakr

Okay...
Now that I have your undivided attention,
Have you ever considered purchasing a timeshare


----------



## Moon Dog

You call that a gun?


----------



## Dreadmakr

No no... 
There's nothing wrong with her
She is just sleeping.
She always sleeps with her eye wide open, and her tongue hanging out


----------



## Moon Dog

You come here often?


----------



## Dreadmakr

What body in the middle of what road?


----------



## RoxyBlue

That's not blood dripping out of the trunk. I just bought a case of tomato paste from Costco and, um, it fell over when I made that fast U-turn in the middle of the intersection, and all the bottles must have broken. Yeah, that's it. Or they exploded 'cause it's hot.


----------



## Dreadmakr

What pile of guns in my back seat?


----------



## RoxyBlue

You want to see my license? Dude, no one in his right mind would give me a license.


----------



## Moon Dog

Who do you think you are pulling me over?


----------



## Hairazor

Can I get a selfie with you with me holding your gun?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Dude, I am so messed up that I can't understand a thing that you are saying


----------



## Moon Dog

Which of you said that? Oh, there's only one of you?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Dude,
You really need a breath mint bad


----------



## Moon Dog

I'm not walking that white line unless you put a net under it


----------



## Dreadmakr

I will not put my hands on the roof of the car.
Look at it, it's filthy.


----------



## PrettyGhoul

Can you get the f*** away from my car!!! I don't want you to smudge it!!


----------



## Moon Dog

This is the third time you guys have pulled me over tonight... now what's your problem?


----------



## Dreadmakr

So what if I have had a few?
What do you think you're going to do about it?


----------



## RoxyBlue

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!


----------



## Hairazor

Can we forget all about this in the spirit of Christmas?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Hickup
Evnun othifer, dib I doooo sumptin wong
Burrrrrrp


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I can't even say the alphabet backwards when I'm sober.


----------



## Hairazor

Walk a white line with no tightrope? I'm not falling for that again!


----------



## Dreadmakr

Hey... You remind me of my boss. He's such a jerk


----------



## RoxyBlue

Why don’t you go direct traffic at a deer crossing instead of wasting my time with all this nonsense about speeding?


----------



## Dreadmakr

Why would you pull me over for hitting those people back there...
Isn't this road designated as part of the Death Race


----------



## Goblin

Roxy swore on a stack of bibles that the monkey could drive!


----------



## Dreadmakr

Honestly officer, I really don't care what the speed limit is


----------



## PrettyGhoul

I'll give you four rolls of toilet paper if we can pretend this never happened.


----------



## Dreadmakr

Sorry officer...
Guess the fumes from all the Lysol I have been spraying on everything has my head screwed up


----------



## Goblin

I didn't know the monkey failed his driving test


----------



## Dreadmakr

What's a driver's license?


----------



## Hairazor

I'm in a rush because it is Halloween, I see you are dressed for the party


----------



## Dreadmakr

Do you know who it is that you just pulled over?
Because I'm so drunk that I cannot remember.


----------



## RoxyBlue

Dammit, you scared me so bad, I swallowed my joint!


----------



## Dreadmakr

Can you hurry this up.
My friend are waiting for me at the peaceful protest.
I have all the bricks, cans of gas, and Molotov cocktails in my trunk.


----------



## Goblin

My feet got stuck in the steering wheel!


----------



## Hairazor

Hey! You finally caught up!


----------



## Goblin

Hairazor told me she knew how to drive!


----------



## Hairazor

I am most certainly not the aforementioned Hairazor


----------



## Goblin

The monkey never learned how to use the brakes!


----------



## Hairazor

If you're lost just follow me, I'll get you there quickly


----------



## Goblin

I told you Hairaazor couldn't drive a nail straight!


----------



## Hairazor

I feel the need for speed


----------



## Goblin

Now you know why Hairazor's nickname is leadfoot!


----------



## Hairazor

Do you have an extra beer, my buzz is wearing off


----------



## Goblin

Isn't the speed limit 110?


----------



## Hairazor

I bet you couldn't catch me, guess I lost


----------



## Goblin

Does the blue light mean you used to work at Kmart?


----------



## Hairazor

I'm not talking to you, you're a stranger


----------



## Goblin

The brakes work fine.......as long as the anchor holds


----------



## Hairazor

Can you show me the way to the nearest bar


----------



## Goblin

Wanna race?


----------



## Hairazor

I'll tell you my name if you tell me yours


----------



## Goblin

Before or after the wheel came off?


----------



## Hairazor

Can I have a do over


----------



## Dreadmakr

Do you know how bumpy the road is back at that school crossing?


----------

