# Half man jokes needed



## naberhoodhaunts (Mar 29, 2008)

we will be doing a half man illusion this year. but we need some good jokes, one liners so the actor has something funny to say to the people walking by.


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## QueenRuby2002 (Oct 23, 2011)

My wife keeps telling me I'm half the man I use to be.
Lets stand up and be counted! oh nevermind count me out?

okay I don't know just have him heckal the crowd or something.


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

I don't have a leg to stand on

Meet me halfway, will ya?

Next person that asks me if I want half and half in my coffee will get such a smack in the head

These jokes are so bad, they aren't even half-assed

How do I put my pants on? Same as any other man, one leg at a...oh wait...

I save a lot of money on shoe leather this way

Sorry, I don't think I can afford to go halfsies with you


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## austenandrews (Aug 22, 2010)

I lost half of everything in the divorce. (Well, she always said she liked the bottom half better.)


I'm thinking of doing one of these this year, but allowing TOTs to play the role. Be a cute photo op.


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## naberhoodhaunts (Mar 29, 2008)

> I'm thinking of doing one of these this year, but allowing TOTs to play the role. Be a cute photo op.


that is a cool idea, wish i thought of that... maybe next year..lol


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## BrotherMysterio (Nov 25, 2011)

austenandrews said:


> I'm thinking of doing one of these this year, but allowing TOTs to play the role. Be a cute photo op.


Brilliant idea!

Btw, here's one . . .

[Patron heckles half man. Half man responds . . . ] "Ah, yes, your legendary wit . . . well, half of it, anyway."


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## R. Lamb (Oct 11, 2011)

All of me, Why not take all of me? (The song)
I left my wallet in my other pants
Does this box make my Butt look big?
Mom always said I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached.
My wife took half of every thing in the divorce.
Walking Dead, I hate that show.

Sorry, this was all I came up with, right off the top of my head.


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## naberhoodhaunts (Mar 29, 2008)

If one more person calls me Lt. Dan I'm gonna peel them like a shrimp...lol


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## QueenRuby2002 (Oct 23, 2011)

No I am not the guy who played on Wild Wild West and stop asking me for Will Smith's autograph!!!


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## naberhoodhaunts (Mar 29, 2008)

great stuff keep them coming!!


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## niblique71 (Dec 2, 2009)

How much is that chainsaw?? "half off"


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## RoxyBlue (Oct 6, 2008)

I just told the barber to take a little off the top, but I guess he misheard me....


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## QueenRuby2002 (Oct 23, 2011)

You know what two songs I never want to hear again? 'these boots are made for walking' and 'I walk a line'. realy what a way to rub it in.


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## Lunatic (Oct 3, 2006)

I have no jokes to add but that is a damn cool looking illusion. Nicely done!


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## Crazy2ScareU (Aug 12, 2006)

I would tell you to kiss my butt, but I dont know where it is.


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## drzeus (Jun 25, 2011)

What do you call a woman with no legs?
Consuelo


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## Headless (Sep 4, 2011)

Hey - I know you - I'm your half brother!


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## Headless (Sep 4, 2011)

My wife says I'm only half as funny as I think I am.

Move along - not much to see here.


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## Spooks-Magee (Aug 7, 2011)

What do you call a guy with no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russel

What do you call a guy with no legs in a swimming pool

Bob


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## fontgeek (Jul 24, 2006)

"I swear, I thought it was a half off sale."
Well, now we know who DOESN'T wear the pants in the family.
Don't axe, don't tell.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
In high school, I was a half back.
I've had it up to here with these jokes.
I was a real cut up.
For my health, I started walking five miles a day, by now, my legs must be in St. Louis.
This wasn't what I had in mind for my weight loss plan.
Be careful in what you ask for, I just wanted a leg up.
I thought they said a side of thighs.
The butt stops here, hopefully.
take my eyes off of them for two minutes and they're already gone.
Hey, I just washed those pants!
You know, this haunt isn't half bad!


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## Copchick (Apr 10, 2012)

Oh, I'm sitting here reading these one liners. Very creative guys! I like the "Russel" joke! They're all good for the half man!


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## kprimm (Mar 14, 2009)

I used to be a distance runner
No more ingrown toe nails
Now I'm really Gellin


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## fontgeek (Jul 24, 2006)

I'm completely stumped!
I guess the dancing lessons are out.
And I wanted to be a foot model.
Hey, dressing now takes me half as long as it used to.
I don't think a bandaid is going to help.
When I was 25 my parents cut me off.


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## Haunted Bayou (Feb 16, 2007)

Great illusion. It will have people talking.


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