# Horror novel (that I'm publishing)



## Dan The Welder (Jul 18, 2012)

http://www.createspace.com/Preview/1160158 is the early preview link, please leave feedback. Its good for your karma and my future writings, thank you guys.


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## Lord Homicide (May 11, 2012)

Sounds like a good mix of The Shining and Evil Dead.

Is this the first paragraph of the first chapter? I can tell you right off the bat that you are using "and" too much. It reads like a list of events, not so much painting a picture.


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## Lord Homicide (May 11, 2012)

I am assuming this portion of the story is the end and you will take the reader through accounts leading up to this point. Your characters, setting and plot need to be clearly, and cleverly, defined. This read like a laundry list of events leading up to Mark getting killed, the narrator sitting in horrific dismay then suddenly telling the reader "here's how it happened".

The last two sentences tell me that this could be an interior monologue. Pick a story telling style and go with it, don't mix and match them.

Expand each sentence with better descriptions with what is going on. Your imagination knows everything about the story, the reader does not. You have to describe every relevant that you are imagining. Read the first page of the first chapter of "The Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad.


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