# Who's In The First



## TheOneAndOnlyKelly (May 7, 2009)

*ABBOTT:* Well Costello, I'm going the Graveyard with you. You know, Bucky Bones, the cemetery's owner gave me a job as gravedigger for as long as you're on the team.

*COSTELLO:* Look Abbott, if you're the gravedigger, you must know all the stiffs.

*ABBOTT:* Right, certainly do.

*COSTELLO:* Well, I never met the guys, so you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's in the ground.

*ABBOTT:* Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these dead people nowadays, very peculiar names.

*COSTELLO:* You mean funny names?

*ABBOTT:* Strange names, pet names. Like, Les Moore, Ima Stiffie, and&#8230;

*COSTELLO:* Will B Back.

*ABBOTT:* Will B&#8230; oh I see! Well let's see, we have in the first row, we have Who's in the first, What's in the second, and I Don't Know is in the third.

*COSTELLO:* That's what I want to find out.

*ABBOTT:* I say, Who's in the first, What's in the second, and I Don't Know's in the third.

*COSTELLO:* Are you the gravedigger?

*ABBOTT:* Yes.

*COSTELLO:* You going to be the bill collector too?

*ABBOTT:* Yes.

*COSTELLO:* And you don't know the fellow's names?

*ABBOTT:* Well I should.

*COSTELLO:* Well then who is in the first?

*ABBOTT:* Yes.

*COSTELLO:* I mean the fellow's name.

*ABBOTT:* Who.

*COSTELLO:* The guy in the first.

*ABBOTT:* Who.

*COSTELLO:* The first dead guy.

*ABBOTT:* Who!

*COSTELLO:* The guy in the first grave.

*ABBOTT:* Who is in the first.

*COSTELLO:* I'm asking you who's in the first!

*ABBOTT:* That's the man's name.

*COSTELLO:* That's whose name?

*ABBOTT:* Yeah.

*COSTELLO:* Well go ahead and tell me.

*ABBOTT:* That's it.

*COSTELLO:* That's who?

*ABBOTT:* Yeah.

(Pause)

*COSTELLO:* Look, you got a body in the first grave?

*ABBOTT:* Certainly.

*COSTELLO:* Who's buried first?

*ABBOTT:* That's right.

*COSTELLO:* When you send off the bill every month, whose family gets the bill?

*ABBOTT:* Each and every month.

*COSTELLO:* All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name in first grave.

*ABBOTT:* Who.

*COSTELLO:* The guy's family that gets the bill.

*ABBOTT:* That's it.

*COSTELLO:* Whose family pays the money on first grave?

*ABBOTT:* They do, every dollar! Sometimes his widow comes down and pays it.

*COSTELLO:* Whose widow?

*ABBOTT:* Yes. (Pause) What's wrong with that?

*COSTELLO:* Look, all I want to know is when you sold up the first gravesite, how did he sign his name to the contract?

*ABBOTT:* Who.

*COSTELLO:* The guy.

*ABBOTT:* Who.

*COSTELLO:* How did he sign it?

*ABBOTT:* That's how he signed it!

*COSTELLO:* Who?

*ABBOTT:* Yes.

(Pause)

*COSTELLO:* All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name in the first grave.

*ABBOTT:* No, what's in the second grave.

*COSTELLO:* I'm not asking who's in the second.

*ABBOTT:* Who is in the first!

*COSTELLO:* One grave at a time!

*ABBOTT:* Well don't change the bodies around!

*COSTELLO:* I'm not changing nobody!

*ABBOTT:* Take it easy, buddy.

*COSTELLO:* All I'm asking you, who's the guy in the first grave?!

*ABBOTT:* That's right.

*COSTELLO:* Okay.

*ABBOTT:* Alright.

(Pause)

*COSTELLO:* What's the guy's name in the first grave?!

*ABBOTT:* No, What is in the second!

*COSTELLO:* I'm not asking you who's in the second!

*ABBOTT:* Who's in the first.

*COSTELLO:* I don't know.

*ABBOTT:* Oh, he's in the third. We're not talking about him. Now let's get back to the first.

*COSTELLO:* Now how did I get to the third grave?

*ABBOTT:* Well you mentioned his name.

*COSTELLO:* If I mentioned the third dead guy's name, who did I say's buried third?

*ABBOTT:* No, Who's buried first.

*COSTELLO:* What's in the first?

*ABBOTT:* What's in the second.

*COSTELLO:* I don't know.

*ABBOTT:* He's in the third.

*COSTELLO:* There I go, back on third again!

(Pause)

*COSTELLO:* Will you stay in the third grave and don't get out of it?

*ABBOTT:* Alright, what do you want to know?

*COSTELLO:* Now who's buried in the third grave?!

*ABBOTT:* Why do you insist on putting Who in the third grave?

*COSTELLO:* What am I putting in the third?!

*ABBOTT:* No, What is in the second.

*COSTELLO:* You don't want who in the second?!

*ABBOTT:* No, Who is in the first.

*COSTELLO:* I don't know!

Both: Third grave!

(Pause)

*COSTELLO:* Look, you got other buried in the next row?

*ABBOTT:* Sure. Three guys.

*COSTELLO:* The left guy's name?

*ABBOTT:* Why.

*COSTELLO:* I just thought I'd ask you.

*ABBOTT:* Well I just thought I'd tell you.

*COSTELLO:* Then tell me who is buried on the left.

*ABBOTT:* Who is buried first.

*COSTELLO:* I'm not&#8230;Stay out of the first row! I want to know, what's the guy's name in the left grave?

*ABBOTT:* No, What is in the second.

*COSTELLO:* I'm not asking who's in the second.

*ABBOTT:* No, Who is in the first.

*COSTELLO:* I don't know.

Both: Third grave!

(Pause)

*COSTELLO:* And left dead guy's name?

*ABBOTT:* Why!

*COSTELLO:* Because.

*ABBOTT:* No, he's in the center grave.

*COSTELLO:* (Fumbles words loudly)

*ABBOTT:* Well that's the fellow's name.

*COSTELLO:* Look, look, look, you got an assistant?

*ABBOTT:* Sure.

*COSTELLO:* The assistant's name?

*ABBOTT:* Tomorrow.

*COSTELLO:* You don't want to tell me today?

*ABBOTT:* I'm telling you now.

*COSTELLO:* Well go ahead.

*ABBOTT:* Tomorrow.

*COSTELLO:* What time?

*ABBOTT:* What time what?

*COSTELLO:* At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's assisting you?

*ABBOTT:* Now listen, Who is not assisting. Who is in...

*COSTELLO:* I'll break your arm you say who's in the first! I want to know, what's the assistant's name?

*ABBOTT:* What's in the second grave!

*COSTELLO:* I don't know!

Both: Third grave!

(Pause)

*COSTELLO:* Got a groundskeeper?

*ABBOTT:* Certainly.

*COSTELLO:* The groundskeeper's name.

*ABBOTT:* Today.

*COSTELLO:* Today? And tomorrow's assisting?

*ABBOTT:* Now you've got it.

*COSTELLO:* All we got is a couple of days in the cemetery. You know, I'm a groundskeeper too.

*ABBOTT:* So they tell me.

*COSTELLO:* I get on the mower, do some fancy yard work. Tomorrow's digging a new grave and a heavy storm blows in.

*ABBOTT:* Yes.

*COSTELLO:* Now, the heavy storm blows in. The wind knocks over a memorial wreath, me being a good groundskeeper, I want to return it right grave, I think it goes to the guy in the first. So I pick up the wreath, and return it to who?

*ABBOTT:* Now that's the first thing that you've said right.

*COSTELLO:* I don't even know what I'm talking about!

*ABBOTT:* Well that's all you have to do!

*COSTELLO:* Is return the wreath to the first grave?

*ABBOTT:* Yes.

*COSTELLO:* Now who's got it?

*ABBOTT:* Naturally.

(Pause)

*COSTELLO:* Look, if I return the wreath to the first grave, somebody's grave has got to get it. Now who has it?

*ABBOTT:* Naturally.

*COSTELLO:* Who?

*ABBOTT:* Naturally.

*COSTELLO:* Naturally?

*ABBOTT:* Naturally.

*COSTELLO:* So I pick up the wreath and return it to Naturally?

*ABBOTT:* No you don't! You return the wreath to Who!

*COSTELLO:* Naturally.

*ABBOTT:* That's different.

*COSTELLO:* That's what I said.

*ABBOTT:* You're not saying that.

*COSTELLO:* I return the wreath to Naturally?

*ABBOTT:* You return it to Who.

*COSTELLO:* Naturally.

*ABBOTT:* That's it.

*COSTELLO:* That's what I said!

*ABBOTT:* Listen, you ask me.

*COSTELLO:* I return the wreath to who?

*ABBOTT:* Naturally.

*COSTELLO:* Now you ask me.

*ABBOTT:* You return the wreath to Who?

*COSTELLO:* Naturally.

*ABBOTT:* That's it.

*COSTELLO:* Same as you!

*ABBOTT:* You just changed them around.

*COSTELLO:* Same as you! I return the wreath to who. The wind blows it away again, who's widow picks up the wreath, takes it to what, what's widow takes it to I don't know, I don't know's widow takes back to tomorrow, triple play!

*ABBOTT:* Yes.

*COSTELLO:* Another storm sets in, and it's wreaths all over the place. Why? I don't know, he's in the third grave, and I don't give a darn!

*ABBOTT:* Oh&#8230;What?

*COSTELLO:* I said, I don't give a darn!

*ABBOTT:* Oh, that's our stonecarver.

*COSTELLO:* (Fumbles words loudly)


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## TheOneAndOnlyKelly (May 7, 2009)

My version of the classic Abbott and Costello "Who's On First"


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## Howlinmadjack (Jul 20, 2009)

How long did it take you to write all of that?!


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## Dark Angel 27 (Sep 11, 2008)

ah yes, gotta love the classics!


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## TheOneAndOnlyKelly (May 7, 2009)

Only took a little bit of time, after finding the text on the internet. Most of it was cake, although it got a little track to the end...


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